OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard

[PacificStorm]

Continued...
(courtesy of an old email from ex-gf Sue)


One evening, while sitting around the dinner table, a little girl looked up and asked her father, "Daddy, you're the boss, right?" Her father was very pleased by this and replied, "Yes." Then, the little girl continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first Father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"


The day after the Haitian earthquake, a man got a frantic call from his daughter in Florida.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“Nate’s been called up by the National Guard. He’s going to Haiti,” the daughter said.
Then came the tears. “I didn’t even know we were at war with Haiti!”

A coworker stormed into her friend’s office, yelling, “Did you tell Joan I was a witch?!”
Stunned, the friend sputtered, “No! I don’t know how she found out.”

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner.
“That’s him,” comes the reply.
“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you pose that sign?”
“Before I posed that sign, people keep tripping over him.”

A Taiwan guy walked into a bar in USA. He saw his favorite director Steven Spielberg. He went near Steven and asked for autograph.
In reply, Spielberg slapped him and retorted "Taiwanese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Taiwan guy replied, "It was not Taiwan that bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was Japan.
"Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you all are same," replied, Spielberg.
Now, Taiwan guy stood up and slapped Spielberg and said, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked Spielberg said, "Hey, it was iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Taiwan guy retorted, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you all are the same

Two friends were fishing. Soon, the supervisor of the pond came in. One of the boys threw down his rod and started running through the woods, with the supervisor hot on his heels. After about a kilometer, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs, to catch his breath. The pond's supervisor finally caught up with him.
"Show me your fishing license" asked the supervisor.
With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son" said the supervisor. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
The young guy replied, "Yes sir, but my friend back there, well, he don't have one ...

What do you call a woman in heaven?
John: An angel!
A crowd of women in heaven?
John: A host of angels!
All the women in heaven?
John: PEACE ON EARTH!

(My favorite)

It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you, a man who is great in the sack. The most important: These 3 men should never meet each other!

 

[Kemballin']

What's the difference between a writer and a park bench?



A park bench can support a family.

 

[Gurleyman]

A man is out playing golf with his wife. His tee shot goes behind a barn and he's about to lay up back into the fairway when his wife says, "why don't I open the barn door, and you can try to shoot through the barn onto the green." Man looks it over and says, "ok". But his shot hits the roof of the barn, ricochets down, hits his wife in the head and kills her.

Years later he plays the course again with his best friend and wouldn't you know it, he hits the same tee shot behind the same barn. His best friend says, "why don't I open the barn door, and you can try to shoot through the barn onto the green?"

The man thinks about it and says, "nah - last time I tried that, I got a double bogey."

 

[beerfan]

There is a bear crapping in the woods, and looks over and sees a rabbit crapping right next to him. The bear asks the rabbit, "how do you keep the crap from sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "I don't have that problem", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes himself.

 

[beerfan]

The best joke if you can work into a casual conversation.

I tried sushi once, bought it at the grocery store cooked it up and it tasted like fish. I don't get what the big deal is.

 

[cordeodato]

Two 20 year old kids were walking through the outskirts of town passing through the
woods on the way to their favorite swimming hole. One kid takes out his penis and starts
to urinate, when in a flash, a snake darts out of a tree and bites him. He starts to pale and
says to his friend " Oh that was a definitely a poisonous snake. Quick run back to town
and ask the doctor what to do". The friend motors back to town. The MD tells him to take
his scalpel, cut a small incision on his friend's penis and suck out all the venom and then spit
it out. The friend tears ass back to the woods. The unlucky one says "What did the doctor say,what did he
say". His friend looks at him sorrowfully and says, "Doc says you are going to die"

 

[UConn Esq]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, I mean, she was standing right on it before."

Thirty minutes later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "Actually, I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "

And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[jleves]

I know you said short and almost everyone has given you pretty lengthy jokes and I'm going to continue that just cause it's one of my favorites:

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, runs over to the pool table and picks up the eight ball and swallows it. The bartender says, 'Hey - your monkey just ate my eight ball.' The man says 'He's a great monkey. Does everything I ask and always behaves himself but I can't stop him from eating things. Don't worry, I'll pay you for the pool ball.'

About a week later the same guy walks into the same bar with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, runs down the bar, picks a peanut out of the dish, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and swallows it. The bartender says 'Oh man that's disgusting - why did he do that?' The man replies, 'I told you he's a great monkey, does everything I ask him and is generally perfectly behaved, but I can't stop him from eating stuff. But ever since that pool ball, he checks to make sure it fits first.'

 

[formerlurker]

Knock Knock!

Who's There?

Orange.

Orange who?

Desmond Conner

 

[jleves]

This one seems long but if you practice it twice to yourself, it's really easy to remember. It sucks when you read it but is good when you say it. Learn it so you can run through it really quickly.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says we don't serve beer to bears. The bear says you better serve me a beer or I'm going to eat that lady. The bartender says I told you we don't serve beer to bears. So the bear goes to the end of the bar and eats the lady. He says to the bartender what do you think about that - are you going to serve me a beer? The bartender says I told you, we don't serve beer to bears and we definitely don't serve beer to bears on drugs! The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bartender says that was a bar bitch you ate. (say it fast)

 

[jleves]

And finally all the walks into a bar jokes I know. Use them all at once and expect more OOOFs than laughs:
Two lawyers walk into a bar - you think one of them would have ducked.
A giraffe walks into a bar and says the highballs are on me!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says buddy, why the long face?
A three legged dog walks into to a bar and says I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

I actually have more but can't remember them ..... I'm sure others can add to the list.

 

[Kemballin']

A blond walks into a bar...




...Ouch

 

[huskiesNhoos]

An Irish man walks into the bar and orders 3 Guinness. He sits there by himself, finishes his beers, and then leaves. He comes in every weekend and orders the same 3 Guinnesses for quite some time, so one day the bartender asks him why he always orders them all at once. The guys says, "well I have 2 brothers and we all live pretty far apart so this is our way of always having a beer together." The bartender tells him what a fine gesture that is, and brings him out his beers. A couple months later the Irish man walks in and orders 2 Guinnesses. Fearing the worst, the bartender walks over and says, "I'm so sorry for your loss, this rounds on me." The Irish man says, "what are you talking about?" The bartender responds, "well since you only ordered 2 I figured one of your brothers must have passed away." The Irish man says, "Oh, no they are both fine, I just gave up drinking for lent."

 

[Huskies2324]

Not sure that these are necessarily the funniest jokes I have ever heard but at least they are somewhat socially acceptable in mixed company…

A high school kid and his girlfriend have been together for a while and are thinking of losing their virginity with each other. The young man knows that in today’s day and age you need to be careful so he decides to go to the drug store to get condoms. Upon seeing the section he is completely overwhelmed with choices…there are ribbed ones, red ones, ticklers, super thin, super big. The store manager sees the boy eyeing the merchandise, pacing nervously and approaches him. “So you need some protection, huh?” The young man says, “yeah, but I mean what in the world is all of this?” The manager says, “Look, let’s just keep this simple…you have your 3-packs, your 6-packs, and your 12-packs. The 3-packs are for the high school kids because they do it once on Friday, once on Saturday, and once on Sunday. The 6-packs are for the college kids as they do it twice on Friday, twice on Saturday and twice on Sunday. Then there is the 12-pack…that is for the married folks, because they do it once in January, once in February, …”

There is a young recently married couple who are both very shy and have grown up not talking much about sex as they were growing up. They agreed to refer to their love-making as “doing the laundry.” One night the couple is lying in bed and the husband nudges his wife and says, “honey, you wanna do the laundry tonight?” The wife says, “no, I have a lot on my mind and a bit of a headache.” The husband shrugs and rolls over. The wife lays there and the more she thinks about it, the better it sounds and she nudges her husband and says, “ok honey, lets do the laundry.” The husband replies, “oh don’t worry honey, it was a small load so I just did it by hand.”

 

[huskiesNhoos]

A woman walks into a bar on the top of a tall building. She looks around scoping out the clientele to see if there are any attractive guys to talk to. She spots one at the bar, and walks over to chat him up. She asks, "what's that you're drinking there sir?" The man tells her that it is a magic beer. "that's not possible" the woman remarks, there is no way that is a magic beer. "I'll prove it" the man says, and he finishes the rest of his glass, jumps out the window and flies around the building 3 times before landing back inside and sitting back down. "that's amazing!" says the woman, and she flags down the bartender and says she'll have what he's having. The bartender shakes his head and pours her a glass. The woman chugs her beer and then jumps out the window, and falls to her death. The bartender looks over to the man at the bar and says, "superman, you're a real d*ck when you're drunk"

 

[jleves]

ok - as long as we're getting a little out there, this is always a good one.

A man and woman have been married for a few years and one night the man gets a little and nudges his wife and says 'How about it - wanna do it tonight?' She says, 'I'm sorry honey, I have to the gyno tomorrow and I want to be fresh.' The man rolls over a bit frustrated. A few minutes later he rolls back and nudges his wife and says 'You aren't seeing the dentist tomorrow, are you?'

 

[Gurleyman]

If you want a really short joke that's easy to memorize there's always this timeless classic:

"Take him, Trajan"

 

[AZHuskiePop]

A battery walks into a bar.
The bartender says to it,don't you start anything in here.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

 

[Johnny Mac]

A priest, a rabbi and a hooker walk into a bar. Bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"

 

[Huskyforlife]

i love this thread. lets keep them coming. unfortunately all the jokes i know would probably offend people here.

 

[Bezzz]

An old man, not feeling well, goes to his doctor for a check-up. After the check-up the doctor sits him down and says "I have bad news. You have cancer.....and you have alzheimers."

The man replies "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

 

[AtlantaHusky]

I heard a good one at a comedy club the other night.

Did you you hear they are coming out with a sequel to "Marley & Me"? It's called "Me".

 

[mauconnfan]

Beantown Bob walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for 6 martini's.........Bartender asks "Do you have friends coming in or are they all for you?" ......BB says "no they're all for me, I'm celebrating so line them up".........Bartender lines them up all 6 and looks at the guy he's all smiles, happy as hell......as soon as he puts them down the guy pounds them one at a time in a matter of seconds......still smiling the bartenders then asks "Do you want another or a few more?" to which the guys " No thanks that was great, I'll take the check".............bartender brings back the check with BB still smiling and after syaing thank you asks the guy "Hey Buddy you're really happy can I ask you what you're celebrating"........BB says sure no problem "I celebrating my first blow job"........bartender says "You should have told me let me get you another one on the house" to which Beantown replies:

"No thanks, if those 6 marts weren't enough to take the taste away another one won't help!!"

 

[mauconnfan]

I heard a good one at a comedy club the other night.

Did you you hear they are coming out with a sequel to "Marley & Me"? It's called "Me".

Doglovers hate you!! LOL

 

[geordi]

Angus is a Scotsman, and he needed a new pair of kilts. He goes down to the kiltmaker's shop and picks out a pattern he likes and tells the kiltmaker to make him up 2 pair of kilts and give him another 3 yards of material to wrap around his darlin's neck for when it gets cold at the castle. The kiltmaker says he'll call him when they are ready.

Three days later the kiltmaker calls and says that the kilts are ready. Angus goes down to the kiltmaker's shop, picks up the kilts, and runs back to the castle to try them on. Of course, you know that Scotsmen dunna wear anything underneath the kilts. He looks in the mirror and says, "Angus, you're such a handsome brute. I've gotta go show me darlin right away.

So Angus runs out of the castle, over the moat, across the burn, and get's about half way through the woods when the kilts snag on a branch and are ripped off. But he's so excited he doesn't realize it. He gets to his darlin's cottage and knocks on the door. His darlin opens the door, looks at him in amazement and says "Ooooh, Angus." He says," Do ya like it , darlin?" She says," Angus, I, I, I think it's beautiful." He says, "That's good. Because I've got another three yards back home to wrap around your neck."