OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard | Page 2 | The Boneyard

OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard

Two 20 year old kids were walking through the outskirts of town passing through the
woods on the way to their favorite swimming hole. One kid takes out his penis and starts
to urinate, when in a flash, a snake darts out of a tree and bites him. He starts to pale and
says to his friend " Oh shit that was a definitely a poisonous snake. Quick run back to town
and ask the doctor what to do". The friend motors back to town. The MD tells him to take
his scalpel, cut a small incision on his friend's penis and suck out all the venom and then spit
it out. The friend tears ass back to the woods. The unlucky one says "What did the doctor say,what did he
say". His friend looks at him sorrowfully and says, "Doc says you are going to die"
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, I mean, she was standing right on it before."

Thirty minutes later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "Actually, I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "

And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
I know you said short and almost everyone has given you pretty lengthy jokes and I'm going to continue that just cause it's one of my favorites:

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, runs over to the pool table and picks up the eight ball and swallows it. The bartender says, 'Hey - your monkey just ate my eight ball.' The man says 'He's a great monkey. Does everything I ask and always behaves himself but I can't stop him from eating things. Don't worry, I'll pay you for the pool ball.'

About a week later the same guy walks into the same bar with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, runs down the bar, picks a peanut out of the dish, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and swallows it. The bartender says 'Oh man that's disgusting - why did he do that?' The man replies, 'I told you he's a great monkey, does everything I ask him and is generally perfectly behaved, but I can't stop him from eating stuff. But ever since that pool ball, he checks to make sure it fits first.'
 
This one seems long but if you practice it twice to yourself, it's really easy to remember. It sucks when you read it but is good when you say it. Learn it so you can run through it really quickly.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says we don't serve beer to bears. The bear says you better serve me a beer or I'm going to eat that lady. The bartender says I told you we don't serve beer to bears. So the bear goes to the end of the bar and eats the lady. He says to the bartender what do you think about that - are you going to serve me a beer? The bartender says I told you, we don't serve beer to bears and we definitely don't serve beer to bears on drugs! The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bartender says that was a bar bitch you ate. (say it fast)
 
And finally all the walks into a bar jokes I know. Use them all at once and expect more OOOFs than laughs:
Two lawyers walk into a bar - you think one of them would have ducked.
A giraffe walks into a bar and says the highballs are on me!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says buddy, why the long face?
A three legged dog walks into to a bar and says I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

I actually have more but can't remember them ..... I'm sure others can add to the list.
 
.-.
An Irish man walks into the bar and orders 3 Guinness. He sits there by himself, finishes his beers, and then leaves. He comes in every weekend and orders the same 3 Guinnesses for quite some time, so one day the bartender asks him why he always orders them all at once. The guys says, "well I have 2 brothers and we all live pretty far apart so this is our way of always having a beer together." The bartender tells him what a fine gesture that is, and brings him out his beers. A couple months later the Irish man walks in and orders 2 Guinnesses. Fearing the worst, the bartender walks over and says, "I'm so sorry for your loss, this rounds on me." The Irish man says, "what are you talking about?" The bartender responds, "well since you only ordered 2 I figured one of your brothers must have passed away." The Irish man says, "Oh, no they are both fine, I just gave up drinking for lent."
 
Not sure that these are necessarily the funniest jokes I have ever heard but at least they are somewhat socially acceptable in mixed company…

A high school kid and his girlfriend have been together for a while and are thinking of losing their virginity with each other. The young man knows that in today’s day and age you need to be careful so he decides to go to the drug store to get condoms. Upon seeing the section he is completely overwhelmed with choices…there are ribbed ones, red ones, ticklers, super thin, super big. The store manager sees the boy eyeing the merchandise, pacing nervously and approaches him. “So you need some protection, huh?” The young man says, “yeah, but I mean what in the world is all of this?” The manager says, “Look, let’s just keep this simple…you have your 3-packs, your 6-packs, and your 12-packs. The 3-packs are for the high school kids because they do it once on Friday, once on Saturday, and once on Sunday. The 6-packs are for the college kids as they do it twice on Friday, twice on Saturday and twice on Sunday. Then there is the 12-pack…that is for the married folks, because they do it once in January, once in February, …”

There is a young recently married couple who are both very shy and have grown up not talking much about sex as they were growing up. They agreed to refer to their love-making as “doing the laundry.” One night the couple is lying in bed and the husband nudges his wife and says, “honey, you wanna do the laundry tonight?” The wife says, “no, I have a lot on my mind and a bit of a headache.” The husband shrugs and rolls over. The wife lays there and the more she thinks about it, the better it sounds and she nudges her husband and says, “ok honey, lets do the laundry.” The husband replies, “oh don’t worry honey, it was a small load so I just did it by hand.”
 
A woman walks into a bar on the top of a tall building. She looks around scoping out the clientele to see if there are any attractive guys to talk to. She spots one at the bar, and walks over to chat him up. She asks, "what's that you're drinking there sir?" The man tells her that it is a magic beer. "that's not possible" the woman remarks, there is no way that is a magic beer. "I'll prove it" the man says, and he finishes the rest of his glass, jumps out the window and flies around the building 3 times before landing back inside and sitting back down. "that's amazing!" says the woman, and she flags down the bartender and says she'll have what he's having. The bartender shakes his head and pours her a glass. The woman chugs her beer and then jumps out the window, and falls to her death. The bartender looks over to the man at the bar and says, "superman, you're a real d*ck when you're drunk"
 
ok - as long as we're getting a little out there, this is always a good one.

A man and woman have been married for a few years and one night the man gets a little and nudges his wife and says 'How about it - wanna do it tonight?' She says, 'I'm sorry honey, I have to the gyno tomorrow and I want to be fresh.' The man rolls over a bit frustrated. A few minutes later he rolls back and nudges his wife and says 'You aren't seeing the dentist tomorrow, are you?'
 
.-.
A battery walks into a bar.
The bartender says to it,don't you start anything in here.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2
 
i love this thread. lets keep them coming. unfortunately all the jokes i know would probably offend people here.:(
 
I heard a good one at a comedy club the other night.

Did you you hear they are coming out with a sequel to "Marley & Me"? It's called "Me".
 
Beantown Bob walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for 6 martini's.........Bartender asks "Do you have friends coming in or are they all for you?" ......BB says "no they're all for me, I'm celebrating so line them up".........Bartender lines them up all 6 and looks at the guy he's all smiles, happy as hell......as soon as he puts them down the guy pounds them one at a time in a matter of seconds......still smiling the bartenders then asks "Do you want another or a few more?" to which the guys " No thanks that was great, I'll take the check".............bartender brings back the check with BB still smiling and after syaing thank you asks the guy "Hey Buddy you're really happy can I ask you what you're celebrating"........BB says sure no problem "I celebrating my first blow job"........bartender says "You should have told me let me get you another one on the house" to which Beantown replies:

"No thanks, if those 6 marts weren't enough to take the taste away another one won't help!!"
 
.-.
Angus is a Scotsman, and he needed a new pair of kilts. He goes down to the kiltmaker's shop and picks out a pattern he likes and tells the kiltmaker to make him up 2 pair of kilts and give him another 3 yards of material to wrap around his darlin's neck for when it gets cold at the castle. The kiltmaker says he'll call him when they are ready.

Three days later the kiltmaker calls and says that the kilts are ready. Angus goes down to the kiltmaker's shop, picks up the kilts, and runs back to the castle to try them on. Of course, you know that Scotsmen dunna wear anything underneath the kilts. He looks in the mirror and says, "Angus, you're such a handsome brute. I've gotta go show me darlin right away.

So Angus runs out of the castle, over the moat, across the burn, and get's about half way through the woods when the kilts snag on a branch and are ripped off. But he's so excited he doesn't realize it. He gets to his darlin's cottage and knocks on the door. His darlin opens the door, looks at him in amazement and says "Ooooh, Angus." He says," Do ya like it , darlin?" She says," Angus, I, I, I think it's beautiful." He says, "That's good. Because I've got another three yards back home to wrap around your neck."
 
A young newlywed couple are living in Las Vegas and are struggling to make ends meet. One night at the dinner table while discussing their bills, the wife blurts out in frustration, "I might as well sell myself on the Sunset Strip at this point!'' Her husband looks at his wife - a stunning, voluptuous blonde - and gets a gleam in his eye. "You know what hon, that's not a bad idea at all!" After a few minutes of coaxing, he gets her to agree to actually do it.

That Friday, he drives his nervous wife down to the Strip and drops her off. "Now honey, don't worry about a thing - I'll be parked around the corner from you at all times. If you have any problems or questions, just run around the corner and let me know, okay?" His wife nods and starts awkwardly strutting her stuff.

It doesn't take long for the first john to approach her. "DAYUM, gurl! How much you want?"

The wife pauses. "Um, I'll be right back..." She bolts around the corner to her husband.
"How much should I charge for this?"
"Tell him $100 or something. We need this money, hon!"

She goes back to the john and tells him the price. "Cool, baby let's do this!" She gets into his car, but soon the guy is cursing. "Damn, I left my wallet back at the hotel and all I got is $30 cash on me. What can you do for me, baby?"

"Um, I'll be right back..." She goes running off around the corner to her husband, who is now perturbed. "What is it now, hon?"

Slighty out of breath, she explains the situation. "So, what can I do for $30?"
"Give him a hand job or something, geez - we really need that money!"

She saunters back and agrees to do a hand job for the grateful john. "Thanks, baby!" he says, unzips his fly then proceeds to pull out his ridiculously huge member. The wife gasps and shrieks at the monster.

"Um, I'll be right back..."

She bolts around the corner once again to her husband, who is now livid. "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NOW?"

The wife, breathing heavily says: "Can't we just spot this guy the $70?"...

Sent from my Z10 using Tapatalk 2
 
A lady was at her husband's wake, and approached the funeral director, very upset.

"My husband's dying wish was to be buried in a blue suit. You have him in a black suit. I don't care what it cost, please take care of this by tomorrow."

She came back the next day and all was right. She apologized to the funeral director for have yelled at him.

He said, "No problem. As chance would have it, we had a wake for a man whose dying wish was to be in a black suit, but we mistakingly had him in a blue suit. He was the same size as your husband, so to save time, and each of you some money, we just switched their heads."

Kitaman said:
Going to a Family Reunion this weekend. I can't think of anything funny to tell. Knowing that we have like interests, I'd rather start here than google. I need some material as I have some funny cats in my family. Short jokes even one-liners preferred, as my memory (i.e. recall) is shot to Shot.

I'd use some of Fishy's good material but we won't be using keyboards.

Got Jokes?
Expand ...
 
I love these threads, but please keep 'em reasonably clean."
 
A little piggy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "give me 17 beers". Bartender pours 17 beers and the pig drinks them all without stopping. Bartender says, "I bet you want to know where the restroom is" and the pig says, "no, I'll just go wee, wee, wee, all the way home."
 
.-.
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. Beer after beer he sat there watching as his wife slaved away at the lawn in the hot heat.

A female neighbor happened to be walking by and was so outraged at this lack of chivalry that she ran over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

"I am," he calmly replied. "Why do you think she cuts the grass?"
 
What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?
"Everyone who wants to get in the picture,
get behind the table"
 
Kitaman - "Hi, I'm Kitaman"

Cousin - "Hiiiii Kitaman! Remember me? I'm your cousin Phil. Oh man, we haven't seen each other in, what, 24 years?"

Kitaman - ""Oh, there's a reason."
 
.-.
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