OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard

[epark88]

A young newlywed couple are living in Las Vegas and are struggling to make ends meet. One night at the dinner table while discussing their bills, the wife blurts out in frustration, "I might as well sell myself on the Sunset Strip at this point!'' Her husband looks at his wife - a stunning, voluptuous blonde - and gets a gleam in his eye. "You know what hon, that's not a bad idea at all!" After a few minutes of coaxing, he gets her to agree to actually do it.

That Friday, he drives his nervous wife down to the Strip and drops her off. "Now honey, don't worry about a thing - I'll be parked around the corner from you at all times. If you have any problems or questions, just run around the corner and let me know, okay?" His wife nods and starts awkwardly strutting her stuff.

It doesn't take long for the first john to approach her. "DAYUM, gurl! How much you want?"

The wife pauses. "Um, I'll be right back..." She bolts around the corner to her husband.
"How much should I charge for this?"
"Tell him $100 or something. We need this money, hon!"

She goes back to the john and tells him the price. "Cool, baby let's do this!" She gets into his car, but soon the guy is cursing. "Damn, I left my wallet back at the hotel and all I got is $30 cash on me. What can you do for me, baby?"

"Um, I'll be right back..." She goes running off around the corner to her husband, who is now perturbed. "What is it now, hon?"

Slighty out of breath, she explains the situation. "So, what can I do for $30?"
"Give him a hand job or something, geez - we really need that money!"

She saunters back and agrees to do a hand job for the grateful john. "Thanks, baby!" he says, unzips his fly then proceeds to pull out his ridiculously huge member. The wife gasps and shrieks at the monster.

"Um, I'll be right back..."

She bolts around the corner once again to her husband, who is now livid. "WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NOW?"

The wife, breathing heavily says: "Can't we just spot this guy the $70?"...

Sent from my Z10 using Tapatalk 2

 

[temery]

A lady was at her husband's wake, and approached the funeral director, very upset.

"My husband's dying wish was to be buried in a blue suit. You have him in a black suit. I don't care what it cost, please take care of this by tomorrow."

She came back the next day and all was right. She apologized to the funeral director for have yelled at him.

He said, "No problem. As chance would have it, we had a wake for a man whose dying wish was to be in a black suit, but we mistakingly had him in a blue suit. He was the same size as your husband, so to save time, and each of you some money, we just switched their heads."

Going to a Family Reunion this weekend. I can't think of anything funny to tell. Knowing that we have like interests, I'd rather start here than google. I need some material as I have some funny cats in my family. Short jokes even one-liners preferred, as my memory (i.e. recall) is shot to Shot.

I'd use some of Fishy's good material but we won't be using keyboards.

Got Jokes?

 

[temery]

I love these threads, but please keep 'em reasonably clean."

 

[Johnny Mac]

A little piggy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "give me 17 beers". Bartender pours 17 beers and the pig drinks them all without stopping. Bartender says, "I bet you want to know where the restroom is" and the pig says, "no, I'll just go wee, wee, wee, all the way home."

 

[UConn Esq]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. Beer after beer he sat there watching as his wife slaved away at the lawn in the hot heat.

A female neighbor happened to be walking by and was so outraged at this lack of chivalry that she ran over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

"I am," he calmly replied. "Why do you think she cuts the grass?"

 

[61cygni]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.


A chicken and an egg just finish making love in bed. The chicken rolls over and says "Well, that answers that age-old question."

 

[cordeodato]

What did Jesus say at the Last Supper?
"Everyone who wants to get in the picture,
get behind the table"

 

[gampelcrazies]

The one about Syracuse

 

[Dove]

Kitaman - "Hi, I'm Kitaman"

Cousin - "Hiiiii Kitaman! Remember me? I'm your cousin Phil. Oh man, we haven't seen each other in, what, 24 years?"

Kitaman - ""Oh, there's a reason."

 

[intlzncster]

The funniest joke I ever heard can't be typed here...let alone offered at a family gathering.

This ain't the women's board.

 

[ctchamps]

Angus is a Scotsman, and he needed a new pair of kilts. He goes down to the kiltmaker's shop and picks out a pattern he likes and tells the kiltmaker to make him up 2 pair of kilts and give him another 3 yards of material to wrap around his darlin's neck for when it gets cold at the castle. The kiltmaker says he'll call him when they are ready.

Three days later the kiltmaker calls and says that the kilts are ready. Angus goes down to the kiltmaker's shop, picks up the kilts, and runs back to the castle to try them on. Of course, you know that Scotsmen dunna wear anything underneath the kilts. He looks in the mirror and says, "Angus, you're such a handsome brute. I've gotta go show me darlin right away.

So Angus runs out of the castle, over the moat, across the burn, and get's about half way through the woods when the kilts snag on a branch and are ripped off. But he's so excited he doesn't realize it. He gets to his darlin's cottage and knocks on the door. His darlin opens the door, looks at him in amazement and says "Ooooh, Angus." He says," Do ya like it , darlin?" She says," Angus, I, I, I think it's beautiful." He says, "That's good. Because I've got another three yards back home to wrap around your neck."

I'm glad you didn't kilt the punchline!

 

[joober jones]

Anything said by Slappy White

 

[Woodson]

A man and his wife are having sex.
They're going at it hot and heavy.
Suddenly they hear a noise.
Its their little son Timmy standing in the doorway.
Timmy, shocked, runs out of the room.
The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy".
He goes to Timmy's room and he opens the door, and little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma.
The father goes, "oh...my... god".
And little Timmy says, "Not so fukin funny when it's your mother is it."

 

[noeynox]

Drunk guy walked up to me at a bar one night and said "dude, I don't know what's wrong with me, last week I drank a 30 pack and blew chunks". Someone said no you drank a 30 pack. He said you don't understand, chunks is my dog, man!. I still laugh when I think about that one.

 

[UC990411]

Knock Knock!

Who's There?

Orange.

Orange who?

Desmond Conner

What's good?

 

[Chin Diesel]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Description: ec96ff7.gif

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Go to confession.

 

[meyers7]

Seeing as how the Royal family is in the news lately....

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel.

 

[UChusky916]

"Ew, I hate tacos", said no Juan ever

 

[prankster]

An elderly couple were at the doctor's office for the old man's annual physical.

The old man decided he anted his sperm count checked, so the doctor handed him the specimen jar and left the room.

A bit later, the old man walked out and found the doctor.

"Doc, " he said, "I tried it with my left hand, and I tried it with my right hand."

"Then I asked my wife to help out. And she tried it with her left hand and then with her right hand."

"Then she tried it with her teeth in and then with her teeth out."

"We just can't get the lid off that little jar."

 

[storrsroars]

A huge Syracuse fan goes to an all-night clinic because his penis has turned orange. He tells the doc he's concerned that he'll have to choose between no longer supporting Syracuse or having an orange penis for the rest of his life.
The doctor takes a look at the orange member and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. And I see dozens of Syracuse fans as patients."
The fan says it's been like this for awhile, it happens during every Syracuse game then disappears in the morning after a shower.
The doctor asks, "Well tell me what your typical night is like and let's see if we can figure this out."
The fan says, "Well I set the DVR to tape the game, turn on the TV, break open a bag of Cheez Doodles and start masturbating."

 

[mauconnfan]

A koala bear takes his first trip to NYC.....he's bouncing around Manhattan and checking out the sites when he comes to the corner of 42nd street waiting for a light standing there he is approached by a young lady with a short skirt on........he's all happy and excited someone is visiting with him and the young lady asks the koala if he likes to party to which he replies..."Heck ya I love to party".......

She tales his paw and leads him a few doors down and they walk upstairs into a small room............the koala bear plops down on the bed and the girls sits next to him and cuddles up and asks "So what do you like to do, what do you want"........koala asks what do you mean?....she says to him..."Well you want me to do you or you want to do me or what?" .....koala smiles and says "Well heck you do me then I will do you"..........

Koala sits back as the young lady orally satisfies him, he's having a great time in NYC......now it's his turn to do her.........she lays back and he starts orally satisfying the young lady and he's driving her crazy then all of a sudden he just jumps up and heads to the door and looks at her as says "hey thanks for the party that was fun"........she looks at him and says "not so fast, I'm a prostitute"........looking puzzled the koala asks why that means anything...........the young lady grabs a nearby dictionary and thumbs through and hands it to the bear and it says "Prostitute: Does sexual favors for money"................The Koala begins laughing his a** off and throws the dictionary back at her and says look up KOALA BEAR and then bolts........she looks it up:









"KOALA BEAR - Eats Bush and leaves!"

 

[uconndoit]

A classic...

A man is getting ready to leave work when his wife calls "Honey, I'm making escargot for dinner tonight. Can you stop by the supermarket?" "Sure, no problem." He replies.

On his his way home from the supermarket the man is propositioned by a hooker. He decides he has time for a quickie and takes the hooker to a motel. After the deed is done he accidentally falls asleep. When he wakes up he checks his watch to find that he's really late. He grabs the grocery bag and hurries home. Running up the steps to his house, he trips and spills the snails all over the steps. Just then his wife opens the door and angrily yells "Where the hell have you been??"

He quickly shouts to the snails "Hurry up guys, we're almost there!"

 

[J-dog]

So these 2 irish guys come walking out of a bar... It could happen..............

 

[Rico444]

What does a Mexican feminist call french fries?

Mamas fritas!

 

[Rico444]

Thanks, I'll be here all week.