OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard

[nomar]

A man goes to confession.

The priest slides open the compartment and asks: "What do you have to confess?"

The man says: "Well, Father, my name is Stanley Schwartz, I'm 77 years old, and I'm having sex with a beautiful, stacked, 19-year-old blonde!"

The priest responds: "Mr. Schwartz, if you don't mind me asking, are you Jewish?"

"Of course I am!" Mr. Schwartz says.

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'M TELLING EVERYBODY!"

 

[nomar]

A man goes to a whorehouse, but tells the Madame he's only got $10 to spend. She tells him to go into the third room on the right. He opens the door, peers inside, and sees a chicken on the bed. He pokes his head out. "Go on," she says. "Give it a try!" So he does, and he has to admit, it's not half bad.

The following week he returns. Again he only has $10 in his wallet. This time the Madame tells him to go into the second room on the right. When he opens the door, he sees a bunch of men sitting in chairs. "Come on in!" one them bellows. So he takes a seat. A minute later, a curtain parts and he can that in the next room, there's a man having sex with a goat. He stands up. "What the heck is this!?!?!"

"Oh, this is nothing," says one of the other men. "Last week a guy duck**ed a chicken!"

 

[prankster]

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

"They're right! We do taste like chicken!"

 

[J-dog]

So this guy walk into his house after work and his family is sitting at the dinner table... His son see's him carrying a large box and asks what's in it. The father replies that it is a lie detecting robot & sits the robot in an empty chair at the dinner table. The father then asks the son what he did that day. The son replies that he went to Jimmies and did homework. Suddenly, the robot slaps the son across the face. The son then says okay, okay, we watched a movie. The father ask him what movie they watched & the son replies, Hoosiers. The robot slaps the son across the face. The son says okay, okay, we were watching p0rn. The father replied how despicable that was & that he never watched p0rn when he was that age. The robot slapped the father across the face. At this point, the mother chimes-in, he is his father's son. The robot slaps the mother across the face...

 

[storrsroars]

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway.

A lonely salesman is sitting at a bar in a singles club. None of his lame pickup lines are working so he's getting depressed and progressively drunker. A beautiful woman sits next to him and just as he's about to begin talking her up, another man approaches the woman and asks, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman looks startled and says, "Excuse me?"

The man says, "Particularly nasty weather." And the woman agrees. The two talk for a couple of minutes then disappear together.

Another cutie sits down and again, another man comes up and says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The woman says, "Excuse me?" And the guy replies, "Particularly nasty weather." Once again, the two talk for a few minutes and disappear together.

It happens again and again while the lonely man is downing martinis after each couple leaves in utter amazement that this line is working over and over.

Finally he calls the bartender over, orders a sixth martini to steel him up to try this remarkable foolproof pickup line.

Sure enough, a gorgeous blonde sits next to him. Draining his martini, he leans over confidently with complete self-assurance that he's about to get laid, says to the blonde, "Stick a feather up your ass?"

The blonde says, "Excuse me?"

To which he replies, "Wish this *kin' rain would stop already."

 

[Dougsts]

A penguin is driving into town one day when his car starts making a strange sound. When he gets to town the first thing he does is pull into a garage and explains the sounds to the mechanic. The mechanic says he will take a look at it and the penguin should come back in about 30 minutes. So the penguin starts walking around town, he does a little window shopping, grabs and ice cream cone, checks out the hardware store. In about 30 minutes he walks back to the garage where the mechanic tells him " it looks like you blew a seal". The seal wipes his chin and says "Naw its only ice cream".

 

[Dougsts]

Mr and Mrs Johnson are the the doctors office to get the results of Mrs Johnson's latest medical test. The doctor comes out and asks to speak with Mr Johnson alone. In the doctors office the doctor explains " there has been a mixup in some test results. We did tests on your wife and another woman the same day and the lab totally mixed up the results. One women tested positive for AIDS and the other positive for Alzheimers. Mr Johnson asks" What do we do"?
The doctor replies, " we will have to re test both women. In the meantime, on your way home today, drop your wife off 6 blocks from home, if she shows up don't duck her.

 

[Buzzyboy]

A woman walks into a bar on the top of a tall building. She looks around scoping out the clientele to see if there are any attractive guys to talk to. She spots one at the bar, and walks over to chat him up. She asks, "what's that you're drinking there sir?" The man tells her that it is a magic beer. "that's not possible" the woman remarks, there is no way that is a magic beer. "I'll prove it" the man says, and he finishes the rest of his glass, jumps out the window and flies around the building 3 times before landing back inside and sitting back down. "that's amazing!" says the woman, and she flags down the bartender and says she'll have what he's having. The bartender shakes his head and pours her a glass. The woman chugs her beer and then jumps out the window, and falls to her death. The bartender looks over to the man at the bar and says, "superman, you're a real d*ck when you're drunk"

Three nuns were going to a retreat in the mountains. While driving around a bend, the nun driving is confronted by a tractor trailer coming right at her. Trying to avoid the truck, the car careens off the road, sending the three nuns to their death. They find themselves at heavens door and St Peter greets them. He spends a few minutes looking through his ledger before apologizing to them that he can't find any record of their passing. He decides to allow them into heaven if they each answer a question from him and says he'll resolve the paperwork problem later. They all agree and St Peter tells two of the nuns to wait a distance away and turning to remaining nun says, "Sister, who was the first man?" She immediately answers Adam and suddenly trumpets start blaring and the gates of Heaven swing open. She immediately skips into Heaven and the gates close behind her. He gestures in the direction of the other two nuns and they BOTH come over to him. He turns to one of the nuns and asks her, "Sister, who was the first man?" She immediately answers Adam and the trumpets again start blaring, the gates of Heaven swing open and she too skips into Heaven, with the doors closing, right behind her. He turns to the remaining nun and tells her that since she's heard the question and answer he posed to the previous nun, he'd have to ask a different question. Feeling very confident, she agrees. After a minute of thought, St Peter says to her "Sister, what is the first thing Eve said after she was born of Adams rib????" The nun is stunned and after a moment mumbles, "Gees, that's a hard one" and the trumpets immediately start blaring and the gates of Heaven swing open.

 

[HuskiesAllDay]

Do you like fishsticks?

 

[Chin Diesel]

Q: Who's the most popular guy at a nudist beach?
A: The guy who can carry a dozen donuts and two coffees.

Q: Who's the most popular girl?
A: The one who can eat the last donut.

 

[UConner]

A guy is traveling through the back roads of Tennessee, and he drives by a farm with a sign that says, Talking Dog, $10. Intrigued, the guy stops and asks the farmer sitting on the front porch about the dog. The farmer says that he's around back, go check him out.

The guy goes out back and sees the dog. He asks, “You can talk?” The dog answers, “Yes, I can”. The guy can't believe it. “Tell me your story.” The dog starts talking. “Early on as a puppy I could understand people and talk back to them. The CIA found out about me and recruited me to be a spy. I sat in meetings and nobody ever paid attention to me. I caught a bunch of spies, got loads of medals, but in dog years I was getting old and the travel was too much. I retired from the CIA and worked for the TSA at the airport for a couple more years, but now I am fully retired. I got married, we've had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just enjoying life”

The guy is astounded. He can't believe it. He goes back to the farmer and says, “I have to own this dog, but why is he so cheap?” The farmer says, “He's a liar, he never did any of that crap”.

 

[cohenzone]

The 75 year old couple is way down on their luck. They decide she has to sell her body. She heads out early that night and returns at the crack of dawn. "So," he inquires, "how did it go?." "I got $50.25," she replies. "Who gave you the quarter, he asks. "All of them."

The golf buddies are now in the twilight years. One doesn't see so good, the other is having memory issue. They get to first tee and the half-blind guy tells his friend to watch the shot. After a mighty swing, his buddy yells "Great shot." and he asks, "terrific, where did it go." to which his pals says "To tell the truth, I don't remember." (Editor's note: I'm at the point where I neither see nor remember."

But my favorite of all, on this non family site, improves if you can hear it in a yiddish accent (European Jewish for the uninformed.)

Two aging and retired buddies, Abe and Jake, haven't seen each other in a while and run into each other on the street. Abe ask Jake how he's doing, and he answers that he's bored. Abe says he has the solution. "Go to da brotel." "Da brotel?" Jake asks. "Yup. And ask for da ret head." "Da ret head?" "Yup. She tells me pulls down da pentz and pull out da schmuck (male organ, folks) mit da hair. Den, she goes to da frigerator and pulls out ice cream" "Ice cream?" "Yup, and she puts it on da schmuck mit de hair. Den she goes to da frigerator, puts on da vip cream, and da fudge, and da cherry and da nuts, mit da schmuck and da hair." "Den vut?" "Den, she eats it all off."

"Oy," Jake says, "I got to try dot."

So they meet again a few weeks later and Abe says, "Vell, vut happened? ""Vell, I go to de brotel and de ret head is busy so dey give me da blondt." "Hmm, den vot?" "Vell, she tells me to pull out da schmuck mit da hair and goes to da frigerator." "Okay." Yup, but no ice cream." Vut den?" "Cream cheese. She spread da cream cheese on de schmuck mit the hair." "Okay, den vut? "Den she goes to da frigerator, puts on da lox, mit da onion and a nice bagel, mit da schmuck mit da hair." Hoo boy, Jake den vut?" "It looked so good, I ate it myself."

 

[Aluminny69]

A Guy walks into a Pharmacy, and asks the Pharmacist: "Do you have cotton balls?"
To which the Pharmacist replies " What do I look like, a Teddy Bear?"

What is six inches long and has two nuts? An Almond Joy, of course. ( What were you thinking, you have a filthy mind)

 

[meyers7]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

and one more...


A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"