OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard | The Boneyard

OT: Funniest Joke You Ever Heard

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Going to a Family Reunion this weekend. I can't think of anything funny to tell. Knowing that we have like interests, I'd rather start here than google. I need some material as I have some funny cats in my family. Short jokes even one-liners preferred, as my memory (i.e. recall) is shot to Shot.

I'd use some of Fishy's good material but we won't be using keyboards.

Got Jokes?
 

Chin Diesel

Power of Love
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Q: How do you know if you have an underbite?
A: You're eating a girl out and it tastes like crap.

Great icebreaker for family reunions.
 

sdhusky

1972,73 & 98 Boneyard Poster of the Year
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From Wikipedia (so you know it must be true) funniest joke in the world

The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[3]
The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
While this was the top joke in the UK:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 

Mike Honcho

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Reddit has a lot of good jokes. http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/top/?sort=top&count=25&after=t3_xvkpz&t=year

Here's one of my favorites:

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.
 

prankster

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One Sunday, a woman is asked to fill in as a Sunday School teacher, at church.

Not knowing exactly where to begin with her group of youngsters, she started by asking them:
"What part of you, do you think, goes to heaven first?"

The first kid says:
"Your head!"

The woman asks why.

Kid responds:
"Because that is where your brain is, and your brain is how you know God and that's why your head would go there first.

Next kid says:
"Your heart!"

The woman asks why.

Kid responds:
"Because that is where your love is, and you love God with your heart, and that's why your heart would go there first.

Next kid says:
"Your feet!"

The woman asks why.

Kid responds:
"Because two nights ago I got up to get a glass of water and as I walked by my parents' room I heard noise and looked in.

Mommy was lying on the bed with her feet in the air saying "God, I'm coming!", while my dad was lying on top of her, trying to hold her down. And that's why I think your your feet go there first.
 
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Bob sagat makes for a good reference
Gilber Godfred (sp?) does a great job with the Aristocrats as well.

Here's another simply oldie, but goodie:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yea God!
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The funniest joke I ever heard can't be typed here...let alone offered at a family gathering.
 
K

Kemballin'

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

Might not go over the best now that I think about it.
 
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What do dyslexic, agnostic, insomniacs do? Lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger. And then it hit me.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't (might want to send that one out as a text).
 
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Why do Syracuse grads get depressed when they leave Syracuse?
Because to leave Syracuse, you have to first be in Syracuse...
 
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A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The Bartender says " We don't allow pigs in here" The woman says " it's not a pig it's a duck" Bartender replies "I was talking to the duck"
 

Huskyforlife

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is anyone going to get sensitive about racial or religious jokes, etc? cause i have some good ones that might offend some.
 
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"


"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for three years."


The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"


The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."


The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"



"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "for the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls......no point in you coming in for that."
 
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In a small parochial town, villagers cross a tiny bridge every Sunday to attend services. One of the open secrets this town has is the rampant adultery that goes on among families in this town. But every Friday, the pastor hears confession and administers absolution to the towns folk. This behavior goes on for a couple of years and the pastor has finally had it having to listen to the same confession over and over again. One Sunday during the sermon, he admonishes the parishoners saying how disgusted he was of their sinful ways. He also said he is fed up of hearing the same "confession" week in and week out. So he told the parishoners if they are going to confess the same thing every Friday, just say "I've fallen off the bridge on my way to church." The parishoners complied and all was well for years on end. Finally, the pastor retired after so many years of service.

A month after the new pastor settled in, the new pastor called the town engineer to check the bridge. The engineer said there was nothing wrong with it. The new pastor insisted that there is something faulty with the structure. The town engineer asked what makes him say that. Without being specific, the pastor's been told by many of his parishoners that they've fallen off that bridge. The engineer gave out a big howl and assured the new pastor that their's nothing wrong with the bridge. The indignant pastor scolded the engineer and yelled, "You of all people! How can you say that when your very own wife fell off 5 times just in the last week!"
 
K

Kemballin'

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
 

ctchamps

We are UConn!! 4>1 But 5>>>>1 is even better!
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister are playing golf.

The priest hit a ball that went awry. The three in the party, searching for the ball came across a chest filled with coins. Arguing what to do with the money, the rabbi suggests leaving it in the hands of G-d.

He suggests they make a circle three feet in diameter, toss the coins in the air and whatever falls in the circle they keep, whatever falls out of the circle they give to charity.

The priest felt it was a great idea but suggested the circle be two feet in diameter and that whatever fell in the circle should go to charity and whatever fell outside the circle they should keep.

The minister liked the idea of leaving it in the hands of G-d and suggested that they toss the coins in the air and whatever G-d wanted to go to charity he wouldn't let fall to the ground.
 
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First joke: What's in front of a woman and on the back of a cow? Answer: W!
Second joke: How do you 'top a car? Answer: 'tep on the brake 'tupid!
Third joke: What's easier than a piece of cake? Answer: A piece of cupcake!
 

phillionaire

esta noche somos mantequilla
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Did you hear about the escaped convict psychic midget? There was a small medium at large!
 

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