overly-involved parents (especially Dad)

[Ozzie Nelson]

I used to think parents should be very involved in most aspects of their kids lives. Then, I had a kid and now I think parents should be heavily involved in every single detail of their kids lives.

While I'm currently preoccupied with things like making sure she doesn't try to have ice cream for breakfast or wear flip-flops out in the snow, if my daughter ever gets to the point where she has the opportunity to play sports in college, I will become the worst sports' parent alive.

I'm not saying I want to call every play....just some of them.

However, based on one season of CYO basketball, I'm pretty sure that the nation's basketball coaches can rest easy - there isn't much need for a kid who refuses to jump because it makes her ponytail fall out.

Fishy...I admire your post...instead of indicating what is wrong with the sport’s parenting of others, you self examine within your own personal experience.

 

[meyers7]

I used to think parents should be very involved in most aspects of their kids lives. Then, I had a kid and now I think parents should be heavily involved in every single detail of their kids lives.

While I'm currently preoccupied with things like making sure she doesn't try to have ice cream for breakfast or wear flip-flops out in the snow, if my daughter ever gets to the point where she has the opportunity to play sports in college, I will become the worst sports' parent alive.

I'm not saying I want to call every play....just some of them.

However, based on one season of CYO basketball, I'm pretty sure that the nation's basketball coaches can rest easy - there isn't much need for a kid who refuses to jump because it makes her ponytail fall out.

My daughter was going to play at UCONN when she was younger. Being a good parent, I didn't laugh. I just said ok, there's a lot of work to get that good. But when you are afraid to get fouled because you don't like shooting FT's in front of people, yea, probably not gonna make a career of that.

One day I took her to a HS girls game. At one point she looked down at the bench and asked if that was all the players they had? Yep. Are they all the same grade? Nope, that's 4 different classes of girls (9-12 greades). hmmmm, you could see her brain working.....I'm not the best on my team, there are about 8 other teams in my league of girls my age, this doesn't include the girls I know who play travel basketball, and there must be at least a couple other leagues with girls younger and older. hmmmm

It was kinda sad to see her come to the realization.

Luckily I was never a disillusioned parent, or one who lived my athletic dreams through my kids. Nor was I an overly involved parent. Probably because I coached some and knew what it was like to deal with them.

 

[bruinbball]

So true Meyers. I have coached baseball at the high school level for my alma mater. The overall athletics in my school have become quite the cautionary tale of too many chiefs and not enough Indians. Winning cures a lot of trouble and prevents MOST less informed parents from crying for attention. I was glad to get out before it got too bad. Once the AD came to us with a starting lineup with the children of the "social elite", we knew it was my time to tell him to shove it and focus on larger life plans life getting married and getting my MBA.

It came as a shock to me once I was around the programs at Kelly's high school where you didn't have that feel of parent over-involvement. Most likely that was due to the school's excellence in a lot of sports and the culture within the school. It's a tribute to people like Kelly's dad who you know could go coach at that level, but sit quietly and let the actual coach do their job. I hope I can one day do that...but we will see.

 

[KnightBridgeAZ]

Meyers brings up another good point, about living your dream.

We had a parent at RU that was overly involved and pushed her daughter (and Viv), I think with WNBA dreams (the player was good enough to be in our RU WBB Hall of Fame). Instead, she was drafted by that other, short lived league (they had a team at Mohegan Sun, can't remember the league name) but never showed. Happened to talk to the coach who drafted her, he was quite disappointed, but told us "word" was that she was out of shape and unmotivated.

I'm not going to really play psychologist on this, but do wonder if the pushing basically od'd her on the game.

 

[CL82]

I really enjoy the "insiders" perspective on college BB recruiting. My daughter is not quite that far along but what they post is consistent with her AAU experience. For the most part, parents are supportive of the whole team and celebrate every player’s successes. It really is a very positive family atmosphere and people genuinely enjoy each other independent of the BB relationship. The amount of parent ‘suggestions’ are minimal. I could see how having a toxic parent would change that, though usually those things work themselves out as unhappy parents tend to be restless in search of an opportunity that ‘fully showcases’ their child.

My daughter’s formative basketball experience came when we took her to her first woman’s college basketball game at Gampel. She looked at the speed and athleticism, the packed house and the enthusiastic crowds, and her eyes lit up. In that moment she was a Husky fan forever and knew that she wanted play in Storrs for Geno and CD. All the subsequent games, first nights, etc. she’s enjoyed but that moment of seeing girls performing at that level and with that support was an epiphany. She works hard and could be successful at a lot of different sports but a love affair with the game started that day in Storrs.

I wonder just how many times this how many times this scenario has played out. I suspect many. That is gift that the UConn basketball gives to little girls out there.

 

[meyers7]

So true Meyers. I have coached baseball at the high school level for my alma mater. The overall athletics in my school have become quite the cautionary tale of too many chiefs and not enough Indians. Winning cures a lot of trouble and prevents MOST less informed parents from crying for attention. I was glad to get out before it got too bad. Once the AD came to us with a starting lineup with the children of the "social elite", we knew it was my time to tell him to shove it and focus on larger life plans life getting married and getting my MBA.

Were I coach now, luckily the AD is a coach and the Principal was a pretty good athlete in his day. So they support the coaches and don't put up with much from the parents.

 

[Ozzie Nelson]

Why so much bashing of "parents" here? Parenting is a tough task, and there is room for differences.

 

[arty155]

...Parenting is a tough task...

Don’t worry, Oz, we get it. You clearly hammered home that point to us each and every week.
To the untrained eye, it may merely look easy.

“Aww, why’d you wake me this time, Ricky? New guitar strings? Geez, I dunno, … ask your mother. And tell her I’m going out for another malt, er, Malt Shop visit, you know, to check on Dave”

 

[HuskyNan]

I'm very involved in my kids' lives but only in a supporting role. When both of my sons found activities they love (robotics and marching band, respectively) I got involved by being a mentor of the robotics team and a member of the band parents association. I'm at all of my kids' competitions, practices, etc but I stay out of their way. I want them to know that I support them wholeheartedly but when they talk to their friends or make decisions about their activity, I shut up. They have to have their own triumphs and make their own mistakes. That way, they get all the glory if they succeed but if they should happen fall on their face, I'll be around to help them up - only if they want me to. Someday they'll be off to college and then to their own lives and I'm not going to be able to every little thing for them so they need to learn now how to run their own lives. But I do want them to know I'm there if they need me.

 

[vtcwbuff]

Hunter...well, choice of Universities is a proper topic for families...the issue is how it is handled/communicated. I was very clear that I preferred The Ivy League, en expensive decision on my part, as both my sons could have gone gratis where I was a
Professor.

Ah yes, Brittany Hunter the daughter of the infamous Newbie1. One wishes nothing but the best for Ms Hunter and adds the wish that a thousand camels defecate in Mr Newbies oatmeal.

Look up "WCBB stage mom" on WIKI to find his bio.

 

[Vowelguy]

There are parents these days who will actually call college professors to complain about their child's grade. These are the kind of folks that geno is trying to avoid, and I don't blame him.

 

[Samanthabrown3]

There are parents these days who will actually call college professors to complain about their child's grade. These are the kind of folks that geno is trying to avoid, and I don't blame him.

This has been happening for at least twenty years. Not that it makes it any better.

 

[Ozzie Nelson]

There are parents these days who will actually call college professors to complain about their child's grade. These are the kind of folks that geno is trying to avoid, and I don't blame him.

Prof's are legally required to protect student privacy from parents...some indicated that since they were paying the bill, they were entitled to know whatever they wanted to know. My silence was not always accepted with grace and understanding.

This was, however, infrequent among the many students/parents that were subjected to my person!

 

[DaddyChoc]

overly-involved MOM (<<link)

she will not sign LOI

 

[Bestiarius]

Some kids need more interference by parents than others. When one of my sons was 6, I told him that it was time for him to start doing some work around the house. He asked what I wanted him to do. I said, "Rake leaves." He replied, "How long do I have to do it?" I told him, "It's 11 o'clock now, rake until lunchtime."

Ten minutes later, I was passing through the kitchen and noticed he was there in the pantry. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Making lunch."

 

[meyers7]

Why so much bashing of "parents" here? Parenting is a tough task, and there is room for differences.

Having refereed many, many soccer games, the parents are usually the biggest problem. Same from a coaching perspective (soccer). I've had younger kids not want to play on the "parents side". Had to wait til after the coin toss to tell the player their positions.

 

[meyers7]

I'm very involved in my kids' lives but only in a supporting role. When both of my sons found activities they love (robotics and marching band, respectively) I got involved by being a mentor of the robotics team and a member of the band parents association. I'm at all of my kids' competitions, practices, etc but I stay out of their way. I want them to know that I support them wholeheartedly but when they talk to their friends or make decisions about their activity, I shut up. They have to have their own triumphs and make their own mistakes. That way, they get all the glory if they succeed but if they should happen fall on their face, I'll be around to help them up - only if they want me to. Someday they'll be off to college and then to their own lives and I'm not going to be able to every little thing for them so they need to learn now how to run their own lives. But I do want them to know I'm there if they need me.

The perfect way to do it. I have striped to do the same. Not sure how well I have done. They seemed to have turned out ok.

 

[Ozzie Nelson]

Having refereed many, many soccer games, the parents are usually the biggest problem. Same from a coaching perspective (soccer). I've had younger kids not want to play on the "parents side". Had to wait til after the coin toss to tell the player their positions.

Sorry, but I guess we have just had different experiences. The vast majority of sports parents I have encountered are good people, just trying to do their best for their sons and daughters.

 

[phil sampieri]

Sorry, but I guess we have just had different experiences. The vast majority of sports parents I have encountered are good people, just trying to do their best for their sons and daughters.

Sorry to disagree but my dad was a very good athlete and I played every sport yet
he never said one word during any of my games and would only comment on what I did right or wrong after we got home. I watched my 4 sons play many sports and did the same. Today I go to see my grandchildren play sports and the fathers and some of the mothers coach while the game is in progress ( most of them don't know what they are talking about) and even if they did, they should wait until they get home.I have seen coaches and refs/umpires demeaned and find it hard to witness. Let these kids enjoy what they are doing. !!!!!

 

[HuskyNan]

Sorry to disagree but my dad was a very good athlete and I played every sport yet
he never said one word during any of my games and would only comment on what I did right or wrong after we got home. I watched my 4 sons play many sports and did the same. Today I go to see my grandchildren play sports and the fathers and some of the mothers coach while the game is in progress ( most of them don't know what they are talking about) and even if they did, they should wait until they get home.I have seen coaches and refs/umpires demeaned and find it hard to witness. Let these kids enjoy what they are doing. !!!!!

I have to agree. I was manager of our sons' soccer teams and we managers were told that parents were becoming such a problem that we were going to hold frequent Silent Saturdays, where no one was allowed to make any kind of comments towards the kids, coaches or refs. It's a shame the kids couldn't have their families rooting for them but the kids didn't mind. They were mortified to have their parents screeching insults at the refs.

 

[CL82]

I had to talk to a parent once because he was yelling at his son to do things that would have left the player out of position for the things we were trying to do. The kid (good kid very coachable) held his ground but was clearly upset (close to tears) to have his dad (a good soccer player in his own right and a great guy) screaming at him. Ironically, the dad has coached my son in a couple of different sports and was a good coach, but he just had blind spot when it came to his son.

Actually anyone who has coached at all probably has a lot of stories. It's fun working with the kids but adults can get a little vested in the games.

 

[Fishy]

One thing I have noticed about kids' sports these days - they are far more involved than they were when I was growing up.

My daughter is on a swim team.

There are four practice nights every week - they run from 7:30 to 9. There are meets every weekend and they run from Friday night through Sunday afternoon. Warm ups on the weekend meet days start at 7:15 am and the meets run through about 5:30 pm in the afternoon.

My daughter is nine and has what I consider to be a healthy amount of homework every night. There is no way we're going to make her spend three or four nights a week swimming and every weekend at a swim meet. She practices once or twice a week and we take her to every second or third meet. And even then, we generally only go to one of the three days. (The meets are not close - an hour each way.)

But I'm amazed that the majority of the people in the swim club have their kids at almost every event - none of their kids have any real ability, so it's not as if the hours in the pool are producing Olympians.

I suspect these sports have actually become the parents' social lives and the kids are kind of along for the ride.

 

[Kibitzer]

Responding to Fishy about swim clubs. Many years ago, my nieces and nephew were members of what was then the premier swim club, the Santa Clara Swim Club (Chris von Saltsa, Don Shollander, Donna de Varona, et al, all Olympians, as was their coach), in California. They loved it, and my sister was active in supporting them and the club.

The coach, a great fellow named George Haynes, always laid down the law at an annual meeting, making clear the limits of parent involvement that were acceptable. He was liked, admired, and respected.

Inevitably, he had a swimmer whose parents didn't "get it." At a meet, their son sat with them instead of with his teammates. Coach Haynes told the swimmer and his parents that he could either swim for the club (and abidde by club rules) or swim for his parents. They very haughtily sneered at the coach, figuring that their son was so damned good a swimmer that they could do as they pleased.

Coach Haynes kicked the kid off the team. The members/swimmers supported him. So did the parents. Life went on.

Oh, yeah. The swimmer Haynes dismissed? Kid named Mark Spitz.

 

[Papa33]

. . . Today I go to see my grandchildren play sports and the fathers and some of the mothers coach while the game is in progress ( most of them don't know what they are talking about) and even if they did, they should wait until they get home.I have seen coaches and refs/umpires demeaned and find it hard to witness. Let these kids enjoy what they are doing. !!!!!

As is most often the case, the verdict on sports parents is very mixed. After 18 years coaching football, 28 years coaching basketball, 11 years coaching golf, and summer league baseball for 10 or so years, and several years as an athletic director-- I saw the best kind of wise, measured parental support of their sons and daughters (and their teams) and the worst sort of interfering, undermining, competitive parents who seem to be living vicariously through their children. My general rule of thumb was that the worst parents were those who had little success as athletes themselves. As an A.D., I ordered parents to leave game sites and stay away from games and coaches. It might surprise you to know that the last 34 years of my career were spent at a private high school where you might expect the most civil behavior. And the soccer league we belonged to was especially plagued with out of control mothers and fathers. There was one soccer player-- NOT from our school-- whose father outfitted him with a hat-pin for a little competitive advantage. At the same time, some parents were wonderfully supportive, but of course those stories aren't nearly as entertaining. But the good ones made it all worth while.

 

[RadyLady]

Well, I'll say how it went down as viewed from where I sat.

Some of us heard by the grapevine very promptly (and to our surprise) that the visit hadn't gone well and that the father's demands for guarantees were the reason. This was disappointing, as AM was obviously talented and we'd been hearing for some time how she was "all about UConn."

Subsequently it was reported -- at least on the Summitt and IIRC elsewhere, that AM called PHS and offered to commit, but was told that TN was headed in a "different direction." Prominent Summitteers with good coaching staff sources said at the time that AM had "a daddy problem."

But after a really good summer for AM, and perhaps compelled by the thought that TN had needed but not been able to recruit a top point guard since the Dark Ages, PHS changed her mind. Offer made and accepted, and PHS took the unusual step of anointing AM a starter in advance.

We've lately been treated to some revisionist history in the form of what now seems to be the gospel according to the Summitt. In this tale, the ill-fated UConn visit went bad because Geno wanted AM but demanded an immediate yes or no (unflattering to UConn) but AM balked because she was hoping for TN (flattering to TN).

In support of this gospel, it's been offered that, since AM landed at TN, the father has in fact been a peach, and AM has said that TN was her dream school. No reason to doubt the first, and the second is on the record. And neither is inconsistent with how people would naturally react after narrowly escaping a self-inflicted recruiting debacle.

I recall the same facts as well, such as they are. The Summitt was an open forum at the time, so we were able to read freely their comments on the subject including, IIRC, the about face on Ariel as time went on