overly-involved parents (especially Dad)

[meyers7]

So true Meyers. I have coached baseball at the high school level for my alma mater. The overall athletics in my school have become quite the cautionary tale of too many chiefs and not enough Indians. Winning cures a lot of trouble and prevents MOST less informed parents from crying for attention. I was glad to get out before it got too bad. Once the AD came to us with a starting lineup with the children of the "social elite", we knew it was my time to tell him to shove it and focus on larger life plans life getting married and getting my MBA.

Were I coach now, luckily the AD is a coach and the Principal was a pretty good athlete in his day. So they support the coaches and don't put up with much from the parents.

 

[Ozzie Nelson]

Why so much bashing of "parents" here? Parenting is a tough task, and there is room for differences.

 

[arty155]

...Parenting is a tough task...

Don’t worry, Oz, we get it. You clearly hammered home that point to us each and every week.
To the untrained eye, it may merely look easy.

“Aww, why’d you wake me this time, Ricky? New guitar strings? Geez, I dunno, … ask your mother. And tell her I’m going out for another malt, er, Malt Shop visit, you know, to check on Dave”

 

[HuskyNan]

I'm very involved in my kids' lives but only in a supporting role. When both of my sons found activities they love (robotics and marching band, respectively) I got involved by being a mentor of the robotics team and a member of the band parents association. I'm at all of my kids' competitions, practices, etc but I stay out of their way. I want them to know that I support them wholeheartedly but when they talk to their friends or make decisions about their activity, I shut up. They have to have their own triumphs and make their own mistakes. That way, they get all the glory if they succeed but if they should happen fall on their face, I'll be around to help them up - only if they want me to. Someday they'll be off to college and then to their own lives and I'm not going to be able to every little thing for them so they need to learn now how to run their own lives. But I do want them to know I'm there if they need me.

 

[vtcwbuff]

Hunter...well, choice of Universities is a proper topic for families...the issue is how it is handled/communicated. I was very clear that I preferred The Ivy League, en expensive decision on my part, as both my sons could have gone gratis where I was a
Professor.

Ah yes, Brittany Hunter the daughter of the infamous Newbie1. One wishes nothing but the best for Ms Hunter and adds the wish that a thousand camels defecate in Mr Newbies oatmeal.

Look up "WCBB stage mom" on WIKI to find his bio.

 

[Vowelguy]

There are parents these days who will actually call college professors to complain about their child's grade. These are the kind of folks that geno is trying to avoid, and I don't blame him.

 

[Samanthabrown3]

There are parents these days who will actually call college professors to complain about their child's grade. These are the kind of folks that geno is trying to avoid, and I don't blame him.

This has been happening for at least twenty years. Not that it makes it any better.

 

[Ozzie Nelson]

There are parents these days who will actually call college professors to complain about their child's grade. These are the kind of folks that geno is trying to avoid, and I don't blame him.

Prof's are legally required to protect student privacy from parents...some indicated that since they were paying the bill, they were entitled to know whatever they wanted to know. My silence was not always accepted with grace and understanding.

This was, however, infrequent among the many students/parents that were subjected to my person!

 

[DaddyChoc]

overly-involved MOM (<<link)

she will not sign LOI

 

[Bestiarius]

Some kids need more interference by parents than others. When one of my sons was 6, I told him that it was time for him to start doing some work around the house. He asked what I wanted him to do. I said, "Rake leaves." He replied, "How long do I have to do it?" I told him, "It's 11 o'clock now, rake until lunchtime."

Ten minutes later, I was passing through the kitchen and noticed he was there in the pantry. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Making lunch."

 

[meyers7]

Why so much bashing of "parents" here? Parenting is a tough task, and there is room for differences.

Having refereed many, many soccer games, the parents are usually the biggest problem. Same from a coaching perspective (soccer). I've had younger kids not want to play on the "parents side". Had to wait til after the coin toss to tell the player their positions.

 

[meyers7]

I'm very involved in my kids' lives but only in a supporting role. When both of my sons found activities they love (robotics and marching band, respectively) I got involved by being a mentor of the robotics team and a member of the band parents association. I'm at all of my kids' competitions, practices, etc but I stay out of their way. I want them to know that I support them wholeheartedly but when they talk to their friends or make decisions about their activity, I shut up. They have to have their own triumphs and make their own mistakes. That way, they get all the glory if they succeed but if they should happen fall on their face, I'll be around to help them up - only if they want me to. Someday they'll be off to college and then to their own lives and I'm not going to be able to every little thing for them so they need to learn now how to run their own lives. But I do want them to know I'm there if they need me.

The perfect way to do it. I have striped to do the same. Not sure how well I have done. They seemed to have turned out ok.

 

[Ozzie Nelson]

Having refereed many, many soccer games, the parents are usually the biggest problem. Same from a coaching perspective (soccer). I've had younger kids not want to play on the "parents side". Had to wait til after the coin toss to tell the player their positions.

Sorry, but I guess we have just had different experiences. The vast majority of sports parents I have encountered are good people, just trying to do their best for their sons and daughters.

 

[phil sampieri]

Sorry, but I guess we have just had different experiences. The vast majority of sports parents I have encountered are good people, just trying to do their best for their sons and daughters.

Sorry to disagree but my dad was a very good athlete and I played every sport yet
he never said one word during any of my games and would only comment on what I did right or wrong after we got home. I watched my 4 sons play many sports and did the same. Today I go to see my grandchildren play sports and the fathers and some of the mothers coach while the game is in progress ( most of them don't know what they are talking about) and even if they did, they should wait until they get home.I have seen coaches and refs/umpires demeaned and find it hard to witness. Let these kids enjoy what they are doing. !!!!!

 

[HuskyNan]

Sorry to disagree but my dad was a very good athlete and I played every sport yet
he never said one word during any of my games and would only comment on what I did right or wrong after we got home. I watched my 4 sons play many sports and did the same. Today I go to see my grandchildren play sports and the fathers and some of the mothers coach while the game is in progress ( most of them don't know what they are talking about) and even if they did, they should wait until they get home.I have seen coaches and refs/umpires demeaned and find it hard to witness. Let these kids enjoy what they are doing. !!!!!

I have to agree. I was manager of our sons' soccer teams and we managers were told that parents were becoming such a problem that we were going to hold frequent Silent Saturdays, where no one was allowed to make any kind of comments towards the kids, coaches or refs. It's a shame the kids couldn't have their families rooting for them but the kids didn't mind. They were mortified to have their parents screeching insults at the refs.

 

[CL82]

I had to talk to a parent once because he was yelling at his son to do things that would have left the player out of position for the things we were trying to do. The kid (good kid very coachable) held his ground but was clearly upset (close to tears) to have his dad (a good soccer player in his own right and a great guy) screaming at him. Ironically, the dad has coached my son in a couple of different sports and was a good coach, but he just had blind spot when it came to his son.

Actually anyone who has coached at all probably has a lot of stories. It's fun working with the kids but adults can get a little vested in the games.

 

[Fishy]

One thing I have noticed about kids' sports these days - they are far more involved than they were when I was growing up.

My daughter is on a swim team.

There are four practice nights every week - they run from 7:30 to 9. There are meets every weekend and they run from Friday night through Sunday afternoon. Warm ups on the weekend meet days start at 7:15 am and the meets run through about 5:30 pm in the afternoon.

My daughter is nine and has what I consider to be a healthy amount of homework every night. There is no way we're going to make her spend three or four nights a week swimming and every weekend at a swim meet. She practices once or twice a week and we take her to every second or third meet. And even then, we generally only go to one of the three days. (The meets are not close - an hour each way.)

But I'm amazed that the majority of the people in the swim club have their kids at almost every event - none of their kids have any real ability, so it's not as if the hours in the pool are producing Olympians.

I suspect these sports have actually become the parents' social lives and the kids are kind of along for the ride.

 

[Kibitzer]

Responding to Fishy about swim clubs. Many years ago, my nieces and nephew were members of what was then the premier swim club, the Santa Clara Swim Club (Chris von Saltsa, Don Shollander, Donna de Varona, et al, all Olympians, as was their coach), in California. They loved it, and my sister was active in supporting them and the club.

The coach, a great fellow named George Haynes, always laid down the law at an annual meeting, making clear the limits of parent involvement that were acceptable. He was liked, admired, and respected.

Inevitably, he had a swimmer whose parents didn't "get it." At a meet, their son sat with them instead of with his teammates. Coach Haynes told the swimmer and his parents that he could either swim for the club (and abidde by club rules) or swim for his parents. They very haughtily sneered at the coach, figuring that their son was so damned good a swimmer that they could do as they pleased.

Coach Haynes kicked the kid off the team. The members/swimmers supported him. So did the parents. Life went on.

Oh, yeah. The swimmer Haynes dismissed? Kid named Mark Spitz.

 

[Papa33]

. . . Today I go to see my grandchildren play sports and the fathers and some of the mothers coach while the game is in progress ( most of them don't know what they are talking about) and even if they did, they should wait until they get home.I have seen coaches and refs/umpires demeaned and find it hard to witness. Let these kids enjoy what they are doing. !!!!!

As is most often the case, the verdict on sports parents is very mixed. After 18 years coaching football, 28 years coaching basketball, 11 years coaching golf, and summer league baseball for 10 or so years, and several years as an athletic director-- I saw the best kind of wise, measured parental support of their sons and daughters (and their teams) and the worst sort of interfering, undermining, competitive parents who seem to be living vicariously through their children. My general rule of thumb was that the worst parents were those who had little success as athletes themselves. As an A.D., I ordered parents to leave game sites and stay away from games and coaches. It might surprise you to know that the last 34 years of my career were spent at a private high school where you might expect the most civil behavior. And the soccer league we belonged to was especially plagued with out of control mothers and fathers. There was one soccer player-- NOT from our school-- whose father outfitted him with a hat-pin for a little competitive advantage. At the same time, some parents were wonderfully supportive, but of course those stories aren't nearly as entertaining. But the good ones made it all worth while.

 

[RadyLady]

Well, I'll say how it went down as viewed from where I sat.

Some of us heard by the grapevine very promptly (and to our surprise) that the visit hadn't gone well and that the father's demands for guarantees were the reason. This was disappointing, as AM was obviously talented and we'd been hearing for some time how she was "all about UConn."

Subsequently it was reported -- at least on the Summitt and IIRC elsewhere, that AM called PHS and offered to commit, but was told that TN was headed in a "different direction." Prominent Summitteers with good coaching staff sources said at the time that AM had "a daddy problem."

But after a really good summer for AM, and perhaps compelled by the thought that TN had needed but not been able to recruit a top point guard since the Dark Ages, PHS changed her mind. Offer made and accepted, and PHS took the unusual step of anointing AM a starter in advance.

We've lately been treated to some revisionist history in the form of what now seems to be the gospel according to the Summitt. In this tale, the ill-fated UConn visit went bad because Geno wanted AM but demanded an immediate yes or no (unflattering to UConn) but AM balked because she was hoping for TN (flattering to TN).

In support of this gospel, it's been offered that, since AM landed at TN, the father has in fact been a peach, and AM has said that TN was her dream school. No reason to doubt the first, and the second is on the record. And neither is inconsistent with how people would naturally react after narrowly escaping a self-inflicted recruiting debacle.

I recall the same facts as well, such as they are. The Summitt was an open forum at the time, so we were able to read freely their comments on the subject including, IIRC, the about face on Ariel as time went on

 

[HuskyNan]

One thing I have noticed about kids' sports these days - they are far more involved than they were when I was growing up.

My daughter is on a swim team.

There are four practice nights every week - they run from 7:30 to 9. There are meets every weekend and they run from Friday night through Sunday afternoon. Warm ups on the weekend meet days start at 7:15 am and the meets run through about 5:30 pm in the afternoon.

My daughter is nine and has what I consider to be a healthy amount of homework every night. There is no way we're going to make her spend three or four nights a week swimming and every weekend at a swim meet. She practices once or twice a week and we take her to every second or third meet. And even then, we generally only go to one of the three days. (The meets are not close - an hour each way.)

But I'm amazed that the majority of the people in the swim club have their kids at almost every event - none of their kids have any real ability, so it's not as if the hours in the pool are producing Olympians.

I suspect these sports have actually become the parents' social lives and the kids are kind of along for the ride.

I dunno, Fishy. Marching band practices Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays during the season with performances at the football home games after the Friday practice and a competition Saturday evening/night. Saturdays go from 7am (sectional breakfast) until 11 or 12 at night. The kids don't necessarily love the practices but, corny as it sounds, they love each other and love spending time together. I think it's a social group for them and we parents get sucked into it.

BTW, all the hard work paid off. The band was New England Champion and came in 4th at Nationals. The bonus was that the busy schedule forced him to be more organized especially since the rule is that he can be in the band only if his grades don't suffer.

My other kid goes to robotics every single day during build season(6 weeks). He's also on the archery team. Somehow he does all that, takes AP courses and still has a A average. And he loves it all.

The moral of the story - do what you love.

 

[Fishy]

My other kid goes to robotics every single day during build season(6 weeks). He's also on the archery team. Somehow he does all that, takes AP courses and still has a A average. And he loves it all.

The moral of the story - do what you love.

But he's not nine years old.

Once you're in high school, it's basically a given that a sport or activity will be five or six days a week.

 

[Tonyc]

For me my when my daughter was younger she played BB and Softball. We took a ride up to UConn as my oldest daughter was looking at colleges. My youngest asked as we were escorted around campus "wheres Gampel?" The escort said up ahead. When we got there Shea walked by and my daughter said quick mom give me a pen and paper. She ran up to Shea to get an autograph. Shea invited us into practice. We sat quietly in the front row watching. There was a huge basket under the rim that all the shots fell into and passed them back to the player. Diana was shooting and I lost count after 30 shots. Geno was holding practice and my daughter ran out on the court in the middle of practice (10 years old) and walked up to Geno and asked him if he had gotten her letters. Moments later the Valley twins and Ashly Battle were playing two on two with her. Geno called them all into a huddle and my daughter went with Morgan Valley. She yelled over to us "hey dad you can go now Im staying with the team. You can pick me up on Monday." Geno looked over and smiled then she scootted back over to us and we thanked him. On the way home she asked me what she would have to do to play for UConn. I said the first thing you need to do is dribble two basketballs at once. When we got home she practiced for days and then one afternoon called me out and said Dad watch this. She walked around the circle dribbling 2 basketballs at once. I said that terrific honey, then she said watch Dad and she was running and never missed a beat. A few months later we sent her to UConns BB camp. Diana was her coach and made her the starting point guard. She never grew (5'3 100 pounds) so we stuck to Softball and IMO the UConn experience is what made her a great softball pitcher and a great person.

On another note. When she played softball and we tried out for travel teams. I knew if I knew more then the coach she wasnt playing for him. I wanted someone who could develop her and her attitude was an attitude of you cant work me hard enough. She practiced 11 months a year and took August off. I had her a pitching coach and a hitting coach both of who she played for and both loved her because of her work ethic. Today shes 23 working at a prominet company with the same drive and skills she learned as a kid. I couldnt be more proud. Yeah mom had alot to do with it with her and her sisters. I miss those days alot. Great memories.

 

[ursusminor]

What's great about that story, Tony, is that although your daughter worked very, very hard, the drive and the motivation came from within. There's a huge difference between your daughter, who went out there and practiced until she could dribble two basketballs at once, and the kids who put in just as many hours only because their parents want them to.
Sounds like you have reason to be proud.

 

[huskyblooz]

This is my 24th year of coaching basketball (17 years of AAU) and I have some doozies! Unfortunately, my editor says I cant say anything.
He also wants me to cut back on a 1000+ pages book on parents involvement in sports.

I'm also a parent of three children who are involved in sports. I dont coach them (I dont have the patience for my own).
My wife and I have never complained to a coach. Never. We dont instruct them except to say 'hustle'.
Most of the coaches love them, not because they are talented, but they are coachable.
They play many sports, though we are hoping for 'academic' scholarships, if you know what I mean.
I work the chains in football, because its on the away side, and I dont have to hear our parents complain every play.
We sit in the outfield away from the trouble makers. Soccer may be the worst.
My wife and I go all the games we can make and keep our mouths shut. Do we agree with everything? God no.
But as long as they are happy, we are.