It's done.
Observations:
1) The place was packed. If you can't see an old person right now, it's because they're all at Cracker Barrel.
2) Dinner for two and tip was under $35. I saved the receipt for posterity.
3) You think you've seen bravery? I saw a man order seafood at a Cracker Barrel. It was like sitting next to Neil Armstrong.
4) If you want to pick up women, head to the 'Barrel. I saw two women fall down in the shop.
What a crazy place. You walk in and the front "porch" is lined with rocking chairs that you can buy. Then you go inside and it's a little souvenir store - I could have bought a Christmas tree, a three-pound Snickers bar and an Army football hoodie before I even got seated.
Then you go into the restaurant part and it is a slice of some small town in Alabama. Or at least what I imagine a small town in Alabama would be like.
Old people lined every table. They were everywhere. It was Cocoon. I saw Wilfred Brimley's ghost. (Is he dead?) Every second, a Buick LeSabre pulled up and disgorged another load of cotton-tops. The typical table of four was three old women and one old man who had outlived his competition and now had his choice of very slow-moving booty.
As an experience in people-watching, it was wonderful theater. I'm dying to bring my daughter who would find the whole thing mesmerizing. I am less excited to bring my wife who would never stop commenting about the prevailing smell of butter. (Right now, I smell like butter.)
The food is basically bad wedding food. I had a grilled chicken breast which served as a prop for me to push around the plate. I was not given any mini-syrup bottles that I could have stolen for uchusky, but I imagine that I could have asked for syrup and no one have batted an eye. They don't judge you at Cracker Barrel.
The other guy ordered haddock. Seafood! At the 'Barrel! And he ate it. He is a man who gives danger the finger. I admire him.
Someone near us ordered breakfast. It was massive. Pancakes and ark-like variety of animal meats. Go for the pancakes, stay for the coronary.
Best of all, you are in and you are out within 35 minutes. They need your table for some old people who do not have time to waste waiting for it.
Everyone should go to the Cracker Barrel. You will leave a better person.