OT: the Tao of Married life

[Kitaman]

So my main issue with the Mrs. is private time (or me time) away from the house/her. Not that I don't like her company its just that I have always been independent and rogue at times.

Here's an illustration.

Ok sometimes I like to get in my car and go nowhere, just drive and end up where the road takes me, by myself and with my tunes. Probably about once a month. Been doing it since I learned how to drive. A couple of hours of me time (e.g. driving range, drive the open road, read book by the water, cigar, play golf, watch sports at lounge, etc...).

Me: Put on coat, grab car keys "I'm heading out, see you in a couple"
She: "Where you going?"
Me: "Nowhere really"
She: "What do you mean nowhere?"
Me: "I don't know, anywhere, somewhere"
She: "You can't tell me?"
Me: "No because I really don't know"
She: "WELL THEN CAN I COME WITH YOU???"

For decades we keep having this conversation, I say no (meaning 'hell no') a lot and come home to an argument or cold shoulder without fail. She knows this is what I do and yet she keeps asking to come.

Ok let's reverse this:

She: "I'm heading out, see you in a couple"
Me: "Okay see you later, have fun"
She: "I won't be too long"
Me: "Take your time" (trying hard to not make this sound like an order, which it is)

She comes home to a happy and rested husband without fail.

 

[Echo Hawk]

So my main issue with the Mrs. is private time (or me time) away from the house/her. Not that I don't like her company its just that I have always been independent and rogue at times.

Here's an illustration.

Ok sometimes I like to get in my car and go nowhere, just drive and end up where the road takes me, by myself and with my tunes. Probably about once a month. Been doing it since I learned how to drive. A couple of hours of me time (e.g. driving range, drive the open road, read book by the water, cigar, play golf, watch sports at lounge, etc...).

Me: Put on coat, grab car keys "I'm heading out, see you in a couple"
She: "Where you going?"
Me: "Nowhere really"
She: "What do you mean nowhere?"
Me: "I don't know, anywhere, somewhere"
She: "You can't tell me?"
Me: "No because I really don't know"
She: "WELL THEN CAN I COME WITH YOU???"

For decades we keep having this conversation, I say no (meaning 'hell no') a lot and come home to an argument or cold shoulder without fail. She knows this is what I do and yet she keeps asking to come.

Ok let's reverse this:

She: "I'm heading out, see you in a couple"
Me: "Okay see you later, have fun"
She: "I won't be too long"
Me: "Take your time" (trying hard to not make this sound like an order, which it is)

She comes home to a happy and rested husband without fail.

You don't need to take your cell phone everywhere you go. It's not necessary for survival but we have convinced ourselves that it is. Leave your cell phone behind in plain site locked. Do it often. If your wife wonders why you didn't have it with you, just say nothing and stare blankly at her. And every once in awhile start complaining about guys you know that are constantly pestered by their wives with trivial calls that they take. Tell her that they married .

Most importantly, remember that women use cell phones as a husband monitor. And if your wife has access to your phone when you're not around she can download the Find a Friend app on your phone and track your location everywhere you go anytime she wants. If she knows what she's doing, she can hide the app so you will never see it.

They learn this crap at wife school.

 

[4 Titles]

I'd like to send my wife to wife school.

My 4 year old asked on the way back from dinner last night, "Where does the sun go?"

My wife responded, "It goes around the Earth and shines on Asia."

The 4 year old follows up with "What is Asia?"

The wife says, "It's a country."

Realizing that my wife is now 0 for 2, I chime in and say, "It's a continent, baby."

She gives me a dirty look and says, "What?"

I said, "It's a continent, baby. A large land mass usually comprised of 1 or more countries except for Antartica."

Her look gets meaner and says "Great work genius. Did you major in geography???"

I said, "Why yes baby. In elementary school. I have the stars on my report card to prove it."

She called me an idiot.

I said, "Kids, your mother has provided us with an excellent example of irony."

It was a very quiet ride home.

 

[Jim]

And we have the classic case where Mrs. Jim has that angry puss on her face and when I ask what's the matter I get "Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"

I have many talents, but mind reading is not among them.

 

[polycom]

Not married but this are hilarious, thank you for the laughs.

Signed - Non married Byer

 

[uconnfan68]

I'd like to send my wife to wife school.

My 4 year old asked on the way back from dinner last night, "Where does the sun go?"

My wife responded, "It goes around the Earth and shines on Asia."

The 4 year old follows up with "What is Asia?"

The wife says, "It's a country."

Realizing that my wife is now 0 for 2, I chime in and say, "It's a continent, baby."

She gives me a dirty look and says, "What?"

I said, "It's a continent, baby. A large land mass usually comprised of 1 or more countries except for Antartica."

Her look gets meaner and says "Great work genius. Did you major in geography???"

I said, "Why yes baby. In elementary school. I have the stars on my report card to prove it."

She called me an idiot.

I said, "Kids, your mother has provided us with an excellent example of irony."

It was a very quiet ride home.

She didn't do well in modern science either. The sun doesn't revolve around the earth.

 

[LStudfellow]

This is truly one of the best threads on here in a long time. I have laughed as I was reading at least half of the posts... and although I have never been married, I can honestly say that several of my long-term girlfriends over time have exhibited some of these exact same characteristics - which is probably why I have yet to be married. You all brought back some very funny (and frustrating, at the time) memories.

Women are amazing... but sometimes, they are so amazingly frustrating and illogical that it drives every one of us crazy.

This is a perfect thread to help ease (at least a little) the high tension and frustration level that most of us feel at the moment regarding this year's team. Not only are their frustrating to watch, but as much of a Kevin Ollie supporter as I have been, he and the coaching staff have definitely not had a good year, either. No way we should be in the position we are in, but it is what it is.

Thank you to every one of you who contributed to this thread - you made my day!

 

[August_West]

New one fresh off the press from 15 minutes ago.
Last UConn game of regular season. Daughter has voice lesson at 2 pm in Branford ( 40 minutes from me) and then they are continuing on to Orange to buy a prom dress for my daughter which I hate for 4 reasons
1) my daughter is a 14 year old freshman asked to junior prom by a 17 year old junior with car. I'm against it.
2) I will be given no input on dress . And will want to poke my eyes out in a store like that
3) my wallet
4) I would like to see last UConn game of season considering I put her through no other sports tribulations ( I've let go of baseball, and football, don't get msg to watch rangers hockey at all)

Wife asks if I'm coming. I answer ......... Well..... Don't even finish spitting out the last L in well and get " I get it you don't give a crap about this family"

I guess I'm setting the DVR.

 

[NEforceUConn]

My wife and I are taking time off, I wonder if the fact that she flunked a logic course in college four times has anything to do with it?

 

[uconnfan68]

New one fresh off the press from 15 minutes ago.
Last UConn game of regular season. Daughter has voice lesson at 2 pm in Branford ( 40 minutes from me) and then they are continuing on to Orange to buy a prom dress for my daughter which I hate for 4 reasons
1) my daughter is a 14 year old freshman asked to junior prom by a 17 year old junior with car. I'm against it.
2) I will be given no input on dress . And will want to poke my eyes out in a store like that
3) my wallet
4) I would like to see last UConn game of season considering I put her through no other sports tribulations ( I've let go of baseball, and football, don't get msg to watch rangers hockey at all)

Wife asks if I'm coming. I answer .... Well..... Don't even finish spitting out the last L in well and get " I get it you don't give a crap about this family"

I guess I'm setting the DVR.

You'll never have those times with your kids again. Hope your for is working better than mine.

 

[8893]

Last night around 15 minutes after the game ended, Mrs. 8893 finally saw fit to enter my man cave and make a run at normal conversation:

Her: "So, aren't you at least happy that you don't have to worry about it any more?"

Me: [Long pause, followed by searing look of disbelief] "No."

Her: [Long pause, followed by another attempt] "Did you do one of those bracket thingies?"

Me: [Long pause, followed by searing look of frustration] "Yes."

Her: [Long pause, followed by final attempt] "Did you pick UConn to win?"

Me: [Look of increasingly crazed anger] "Yes. Please stop now."

That was that.

 

[intlzncster]

Last night around 15 minutes after the game ended, Mrs. 8893 finally saw fit to enter my man cave and make a run at normal conversation:

Her: "So, aren't you at least happy that you don't have to worry about it any more?"

Me: [Long pause, followed by searing look of disbelief] "No."

Her: [Long pause, followed by another attempt] "Did you do one of those bracket thingies?"

Me: [Long pause, followed by searing look of frustration] "Yes."

Her: [Long pause, followed by final attempt] "Did you pick UConn to win?"

Me: [Look of increasingly crazed anger] "Yes. Please stop now."

That was that.

That's pretty damn funny actually. Quiet desperation.

 

[August_West]

new one from this weekend.
I came home from a haircut (I never wear my hair real long anymore because of my job, but I do really push the limits between haircuts) so I come from haircut and get the following:

Her: "you cut off your antennae"
Me: "What the are you talking about?"
her: "your antennae. long hair spiritually connects you to the universe"
me: "oh well someone has to pay the bills, I have a job to go to"
her: "it wouldnt be so bad but your pineal gland also has a filthy film over it. You see nothing"
me: "what did I do wrong now?'

 

[DarthGrumpy]

I used to drink for fun when I was in college. Now that I am married with 2 kids, I drink to survive.

 

[8893]

new one from this weekend.
I came home from a haircut (I never wear my hair real long anymore because of my job, but I do really push the limits between haircuts) so I come from haircut and get the following:

Her: "you cut off your antennae"
Me: "What the are you talking about?"
her: "your antennae. long hair spiritually connects you to the universe"
me: "oh well someone has to pay the bills, I have a job to go to"
her: "it wouldnt be so bad but your pineal gland also has a filthy film over it. You see nothing"
me: "what did I do wrong now?'

Are you married to zymurg?

 

[UconnFanNVa]

I used to drink for fun when I was in college. Now that I am married with 2 kids, I drink to survive.

Smoke a cigar helps too. I smoked a Camacho Triple maduro the other night and it helped ease the pain a little bit. Although I only have 1 kid lol.

 

[intlzncster]

Her: "you cut off your antennae"
Me: "What the are you talking about?"
her: "your antennae. long hair spiritually connects you to the universe"
me: "oh well someone has to pay the bills, I have a job to go to"
her: "it wouldnt be so bad but your pineal gland also has a filthy film over it. You see nothing

Jesus. No wonder she is so in tune with the mojo.

 

[UconnFanNVa]

I recently got in yelled at for something similar to what the OP went through. I went to lunch and forgot my cell phone in the car. Came back 35 minutes later to multiple missed calls and about 30 text messages including single letters saying H E L L O.... So i immediately call back and ask if everything is ok... Sorry i left my phone in the car. The wife comes back unacceptable, what it was an emergency, i needed you blah blah blah. After calming her i asked what was wrong? She needed my advice on something. I say what? Turns out i told her how i felt on that the previous night, she said she knew but wanted to double check, but had to make a decision without me. Wasnt a problem... But she continued being mad at me.

Months later she forgot her phone at home, i called many times and no response, texted nothing. Finally she answers and I start saying where were you? She explains she forgot her phone at home in the morning. I say, unacceptable... What if this.. what if that? blah blah blah (all in a mocking tone to let her know i'm not serious but oh how the tables have turned and look at how ridiculous you were acting).

The end result? I get yelled at again for trying to get her back. And i dont understand where she is coming from. Bottom line, in these situations, they are irrational beings. We've moved past this incident because i knew I'd never win and didnt think it was worth it.

It goes to teach a valuable lesson though. Truly pick your battles, because to prove your point you are going to have to suffer severely before/IF she see's the point you are trying to make. In most cases, take the hit, suffer in silence, internalize your pain! Drink alcohol, smoke cigars, listen to Charlie Parker or Stan Getz something when you can and let the irrational stuff fade away! If you dont have a drink or smoking habit i strongly suggest developing one.

 

[Husky25]

These have been around a while, but they seem more than apt for this thread...

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it!

1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.


1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

 

[8893]

The secret to successful marriage is two words: "Yes dear."

 

[UconnFanNVa]

I liken the woman to the HIV virus. I googled to find what exactly it is and how it works, and it reminds me so much of women. Not meant to offend anyone that has HIV or has someone who is fighting it. Just noticing the similarities in the virus and women. I think if we men can get ahead of the curve of the "change" we can beat the virus that is women (or infects them).


The immune system recognizes HIV by its antigen shape. But, just when the immune system recognizes one shape, HIV may multiply and change the shape of its antigen.

The first time you have an argument and you lose the battle... Dont try to use that same logic in the future, because it no longer applies, she has changed....

HIV can "hide" from the immune system for a long time.

When she allows you to think things are great for long periods of time. There wont be arguments, or maybe you'll win one or two. She is really just positioning herself to drop the hammer on you.


When HIV infects a cell the virus may make more viruses and infect more cells or lie quietly in a cell for a long time. If HIV doesn't reproduce, the immune system can't find it and destroy it.

At this stage, disagreements are becoming fewer, and sometimes she'll even start to convince you that you were wrong. you'll be confused thinking, wait a minute that doesn't make sense I'm totally right on this.
If you dont check with your guys friends here you might lose your mind. But your slowly learning that even if you win you still lose. You are fighting an uphill battle.


HIV destroys the immune system. The Immune system consists of Innate Immunity and Humoral Immunity Innate Immunity is Non-specific Immunity, whereas Humoral Immunity is specific Immunity. T-cells produce Cell-Mediated Immunity and B-cells produces Humoral Mediated Immunity. As HIV destroys more and more helper T cells, the immune system begins to break down.

You've lost most of your mind and the battle is over, you have embraced your fate. Either you now think she is right about everything, or you know that fighting back is like quick sand, the more you struggle the quicker you go under. You are learning to sit back and take it and try to find a way to like it, for this is now life.


Finally the immune system can no longer kill HIV or any other invading germs and a person infected with HIV is diagnosed with AIDS.

Your entire existence is reduced to a few set statements like yes dear, sorry dear ect....
You are almost in a vegetative state, just conscious enough to know that you are totally screwed.

 

[intlzncster]

I liken the woman to the HIV virus. I googled to find what exactly it is and how it works, and it reminds me so much of women. Not meant to offend anyone that has HIV or has someone who is fighting it. Just noticing the similarities in the virus and women. I think if we men can get ahead of the curve of the "change" we can beat the virus that is women (or infects them).

Laughing at the (un?)intentional comedy there.

 

[DarthGrumpy]

Smoke a cigar helps too. I smoked a Camacho Triple maduro the other night and it helped ease the pain a little bit. Although I only have 1 kid lol.

Even before married life, women drove me nuts. I took a summer study session abroad as part of my MBA program and spent 3 weeks touring Europe with 13 classmates - 10 women, 3 men. About half of the women were married and 1 of the men in the group was while I had a serious GF, who is my wife now, and was a good boy. So after our classes and stuff ends, the entire group ends up at a bar in Rembrandtplein in Amsterdam. I've been to Amsterdam and other places in Europe well before the serious GF walked into my life so I know how this places work. All of the girls end-up tipsy and dancing on stage. Long before twerking became a thing, dancing close to any guy in Europe was an open invite for the guy to grab anything he could. Well, the girls, who were not used to Europe quickly found out. Every few minutes, one of the girls could grab me or the other married guy (we had found a pool table) and asked us to help get rid of some dirty pervert. After about an hour of this, I was so freaking annoyed that I left the bar, went next door to Smokey Joe's and had a very nice local smoke. Thirty minutes later, I walk back to the bar and literally, 5 seconds in, one of the married girls is asking me yet again to tell some guy to take a hike. I grab a bunch of them, both the married ones and the single ones, and laid down the law. "Listen, we are in Europe, not the States. In Europe, if you bump & grind with a guy here, he's going to take it as an open invite to grab as much of your rack and tail as he can. If you don't want him to have his hands all over your, don't dance." I then walked away, happily buzzed and went back to playing pool and yelling at the TV (the EuroCup was going on at that time, Amsterdam was a bit wild for it). The girls barely talked to me outside of classwork for a good week, just in time for them to get mad at me again in Paris.

 

[UC313]

I still vividly remember the one argument ive won in my 11 year relationship with my wife. I'm sure it was by technicality but damn it, I won one. I swear I did.

Besides being illogical, my wife is left handed, I'm right handed. Our brains do not function similarly. Trying to get her opinion on installing some wainscoting I was doing I had to walk away from the conversation multiple times. I speak math and she speaks scientific theory. (Slams head against wall)

 

[pj]

Ok West, they hit me with language.

So for all of you who missed it what I said was, when dealing with your wife, when you're wrong you're wrong. When you're right play it off like you're wrong or your wife will remember all the stuff you did the last 20 years.

My wife remembers all the stuff I did the last 20 years regardless of how I play it.

But only the bad stuff.