OT: how to not blow my life savings on my wedding

[temery]

Do a destination wedding with immediate family and a couple close friends willing to travel on their own dime. People won't be offended they weren't invited and you basically pay for a nice little vacation. Friend of mine did that in South America and it was a blast.

And a lot of friends and family will be relieved that they have an out. I know very few people who actually like going to weddings.

 

[boog204]

And a lot of friends and family will be relieved that they have an out. I know very few people who actually like going to weddings.

This is true on some levels but it actually depends on how old they are. I enjoyed weddings from 20-30; lots of fun, debauchery, sentimental women, etc. Post 30 (and married myself), I'd be content never going to a wedding again.

 

[Mano]

My wife and I spent all told about 18-20k on our wedding, my parents gifted us 5k and my brother 3k. We rented a beach side ($2500) home in Old Lyme with a good sized yard in the off-season, late September, rented a tent, chairs, borrowed hotel pans from my brother who owns a bar. We bought wholesale the things we could like table linens, napkins, plates/glasses/cutlery (Ikea proved to be cheapest and we then had plenty of these to stock our future kitchen, Restaurant Depot for the cutlery), and flowers (I think BJ's and also Stop & Shop will work with you on bringing in whole boxes of flowers you need, then my wife and her bridesmaids made the bouquets the night before). My wife put in a ton of work making all of the center pieces, signage, banners, decorations, etc. I spent less than 2k total on food and booze for our 75+ guests (we just set out all of the bottles and mixers and borrowed a kegerator from my brother) Prepped all of the cocktail hour foods the day before so that they would just have to be put out by the staff we assembled from friends, extended relatives and a coworker that were paid about a $150 each for the 5+ hours. My sister-in-law made the majority of the reception food the day before as well. We had my coworker man the grill and we served "elevated" cookout food (burgers with a bunch of toppings choices, candied bacon, potato salad, pasta salad, etc...). Justice of the Peace was about $500 including tip, DJ (who was the worst part of all of it since he arrived late missing the ceremony , couldn't figure out the thumb drive he requested and completely ignored the track listings and when to play them like we had discussed, and then decided to try "scratching" during one of those songs where everyone is trying to dance to the directions. IDIOT!) was $400 including tip ~ greatratedjs.com. Photog was about $1500. I'm sure there are other expenses I'm missing.

Anyway, with the help of friends and family it all came together beautifully. Not the least of which is that one of my best friends family owns a home directly across the street so we were able to have cocktail hour on the yard there and use that house for staging throughout (thanks @Robertelamin!). It was probably through a confluence of luck and timing that it all came together for us as it did (we also got to stay at the house an extra week for only $500 and had something of a honeymoon there), but the point I'm trying to make I guess is that it possible if you're willing to do some of the stuff you might otherwise enlist professionals for. If you can lean on family and friends to help out here and there though, you can definitely do it a lot cheaper than you might think (we only spent as much as we did because of the gifts from my family). PM if you have any q's.

 

[8893]

A few notes from our experience, which was very successful and very reasonable (about half of what Mano paid):

Be your own wedding consultant and don't mention that it's a wedding to anyone you book until after you've agreed on a price. Once caterers, bands, rental agencies and venues know it's a wedding the price skyrockets because they know they have you over a barrel.

We did somewhat of a "destination" wedding--because the destination was special to us, not as a way of saving money--and many more people came than expected (around 150 iirc). In other words, don't count on that cutting your numbers unless you are cutting down on invites.

Rent the reception venue yourself and hire your own band, bartender and caterer. We rented a big barn overlooking a harbor and it was awesome. Our friends and family helped decorate it and we rented the tables and linens. We bought all our own booze--red wine, white wine, several kegs of different types of beer to please all palates and a couple bottles of booze for special people who we knew had special requests. Everyone drank all they wanted and we never ran out of anything. We had a lobster bake and hired a caterer just for that. Never told them it was a wedding--just a big party, which they priced per person under their normal terms. People were thrilled with lobster, salad, corn, potatoes, chowder and coffee. I think it cost us $20-something per head for the catering.

Get a band you like and that will make people want to dance. Good band and good booze takes care of about 90% of what matters.

 

[tzznandrew]

On Music, Bartenders, and Photographers:

On Music: live bands are great, but lots of money can be saved with a solid DJ--a friend or family member could be great and cheap. I have an old friend of mine who does lots of weddings now for a good price. PM me if you want his info.

Bartenders: definitely bring your own as 8893 said.

Photographers: this could be a great place to save money. Get a basic set up--no need for something super fancy. A good photographer who does a little goes a long way.

 

[JSM1970]

Do a BBQ in your backyard or at the beach and then deal with the fact people will label you cheap forever.

Honestly, if you want to keep the $$ down just elope or go to Vegas as some have said.

Yep, so I'm getting married. Looking for tips to save money. Any little piece of info helps.

I already know the top comment is "don't get married" but we all know that's still coming.

 

[August_West]

My father in law offered me 15k to elope

I was all for it. Wife not so much.

 

[Deepster]

Wedding advice from a divorced guy.

1) The wedding dress is the biggest waste of money there is. I know, you have little to no say here, but the dress can cost thousands, she wears it for half a day, then you pay a couple hundred bucks to "preserve" it in a box that gets shoved in your attic forever. The more she wants to spend on a dress, the more trouble you're in for a big tab on the entire day.

2) The smaller the guest list, the better. First off, the more people you invite, the more limited your options become. More people means you'd eventually get up into the rubber chicken marsala and wedding factory venue. The smaller the invite list, the more creative you can be with it all. And, I can't begin to tell you the people we invited that I can't even name because my ex-in laws said we "had to" or people we worked with at that time.

3) Don't mash cake in each other's face. Supposedly this is a jinx and ends in divorce every time. We mashed cake in each other's face.

4) Truth #1 you need to know: What's the only food that makes every woman gain weight? Wedding cake.

5) Truth #2 you need to know: Put a mason jar in your bedroom. In the first year of your marriage, put a marble in the jar every time you have sex. After the first year of marriage, every time you have sex, take a marble out. The jar never gets emptied, my friend.

6) Don't completely roll your eyes at some of the comments you get from divorced guys. We were just as in love as you were at this point.

 

[JSM1970]

Good point, surprisingly, the whole experience is for the bride. It's her day more than even your day, so make sure it's what she wants more than anything

My father in law offered me 15k to elope

I was all for it. Wife not so much.

 

[August_West]

Good point, surprisingly, the whole experience is for the bride. It's her day more than even your day, so make sure it's what she wants more than anything

That's all it is.
I really don't think any guy ever gives a crap about a wedding other than making sure their wife is satisfied with it. It's entirely for the women.

 

[storrsroars]

Did the big ceremony thing twice. Third time I knew I was going to be on business in Hawai'i, so just tacked on a wedding while we there, just us and whomever we needed to perform the ceremony and witness. It's perhaps an unfair sample, but I'm on 15 years with the Hawai'i wife, and only managed about 7.5 between the first two. So do the math.

 

[nomar]

That's all it is.
I really don't think any guy ever gives a crap about a wedding other than making sure their wife is satisfied with it. It's entirely for the women.

I insisted on a raw bar.

 

[Kitaman]

Yep, so I'm getting married. Looking for tips to save money. Any little piece of info helps.

I already know the top comment is "don't get married" but we all know that's still coming.

We saved a fortune by using a local culinary school to prepare our dinners. Sure they were students, but it ain't that hard baking a chicken with potato and a vegetable side.

The cake was delicious also.

 

[UConNation]

My wife and I spent $0 (other than the rings) out of pocket. Both her parents and mine gave us $6k ($12k total) and we were agreed to stay within that budget. Both our parents drilled into us at early ages that debt should be avoided at all costs; that has really set the tone for our financial decisions from day 1. If you can get your wife to understand how bad debt is, you're in good shape.

In terms of actually saving money, as was said before destination weddings are a good cost saver for you. If your fiancé objects because she wants lots of people there, then you can do something similar to what my sister did. She got married in Nantucket with immediate family and about 10 friends and then had a huge reception after they got back from their honeymoon at a friends' house who owns a lot of land. They just rented a tent and chairs, and for the most part had people bring food (put luck style).

 

[8893]

So do the math.

You're old, or you're from the South.

 

[storrsroars]

You're old, or you're from the South.

Old. Although I did spend two years south of the Mason-Dixon line in Alexandria.

 

[Hans Sprungfeld]

Elope or destination... If you HAVE to have the whole formal wedding thing, then go small. My wife and I did 75 people; basically all family and then had an afterparty with our friends at the casino. Win-win for everyone and it did not completely bankroll us.

Does the profanity filter change bankrupt to bankroll? Or was that autocorrect?
I hit Post Reply to find out.

 

[boog204]

Does the profanity filter change bankrupt to bankroll? Or was that autocorrect?
I hit Post Reply to find out.

That would be autocorrect...

 

[8893]

Wedding advice from a divorced guy.

1) The wedding dress is the biggest waste of money there is. I know, you have little to no say here, but the dress can cost thousands, she wears it for half a day, then you pay a couple hundred bucks to "preserve" it in a box that gets shoved in your attic forever. The more she wants to spend on a dress, the more trouble you're in for a big tab on the entire day.


3) Don't mash cake in each other's face. Supposedly this is a jinx and ends in divorce every time. We mashed cake in each other's face.

Agree with these two specifically, and even moreso the reinforcement of the overall point to get yourself out of the mindset that you have to do everything the "traditional wedding" way. From the outset we discussed the things that mattered to us and figured out how to do them well, and we agreed to jettison everything that we didn't care about.

We wanted a Christian church and Christian officiant, but didn't care about the denomination otherwise. We hired each separately--they don't have to come as a package. We designed our own service; had a friend play piano and had only one of the three readings come from the Bible--the other two were lyrics to a Dylan song and a Dr. Seuss book, respectively.

Totally scored on the wedding dress front. My wife wanted nothing to do with a traditional veil and gown with all the bells and whistles. She found what I believe was a high school girl's graduation dress on clearance at Laura Ashley; she, um, was very petite and it looked very elegant and beautifully understated.

We determined that neither one of us ever liked wedding cake, much less the ritual of smashing it into each others' mouths. We had an excellent local baker make us a beautiful mound of awesome brownies and she presented it wonderfully. No mess, no fuss--and who doesn't love brownies?

I guess my point is that it's not just about saving money; once you understand that you can design your own everything to fit what you want, it really starts to take care of itself.

Be creative about your options and be flexible if it can save you enough money to matter. Another example: We didn't want to pay the facility cleanup fee so we agreed to clean it up ourselves. The caterer took all their stuff away and we took care of the rest. As with the set up, some friends and family helped, but to this day one of the best memories I have is of just the two of us being the last ones there, turning out the lights and driving away to our hotel.

We were lucky that our most preferred band was local to our wedding spot and we booked them well in advance. Just over a year later a good friend paid three times as much to book them for his wedding elsewhere.

Call in favors. My brother worked in a liquor store and I got all the beer and booze from him wholesale. I went to the wine store I had frequented for many years and spoke with the owner about the best crowd-pleasing reds and whites for our needs and budget and he gave me a nice break on a few cases of each. As referenced above, a friend (who happens to be a fairly renowned pianist) played our ceremony. Another friend was just starting a classic car rental business and I rented his Rolls Royce for the afternoon and drove it to and from the ceremony myself instead of hiring a limo.

Got a nephew or niece who is a budding photographer or videographer? Pay them and tell them what you want instead of buying a package from a pro. We went with a pro and ended up happier with the shots and videos from our friends and family.

Look for great inexpensive venues to do what you want and book them first. In CT, some great spots for this are Harkness Park in Waterford, the Elks Club in Westbrook and the Surf Club in Madison. Because they are so great for the money, they are all booked long in advance, so that's the place to start imo.

That's all it is.
I really don't think any guy ever gives a crap about a wedding other than making sure their wife is satisfied with it. It's entirely for the women.

I insisted on a raw bar.

I cared only about the band and the booze. I told her she could pick everything else.

BUT, I booked everything.

 

[SubbaBub]

Figure out how much you want to spend and anticipate spending 10% more than that. Do it together and consider all income and expenses between now and then, include any honeymoon and post wedding living costs if you are moving. Do not count on gifts to pay for any of it. This will help you recover when life is back to normal.

It is extremely important that both of you buy into the plan. This is your first real test of marriage and finances, especially if you are already comingling bank accounts. It you can't handle this then you aren't ready to get married.

Try to pay off items as they come in, the last big check will be the hall if you go that route. It's much easier if you've already paid for other stuff and had paychecks in between.

There are a 1000 ways to cut cost corners, but first you need to figure out what is important to both of you.

 

[SubbaBub]

Oh and happily married for 15 years.

Our biggest budget concern was the per head cost of the reception, what it came with and the room itself. Open bar was a must have, or your friends will hate you. Ours came with a good hors d'uerves spread, hot and cold and a dessert table.

We only wanted a simple cake, her dress was less than $1000, found a local photog, no video (better for everybody), our church married us for a nominal fee, but we made a donation to get the church choir to perform during the ceremony.

Std limo ride to/fro, but the big splurge was a hospitality suite at the hotel blocked out for out of town guests for the after party. We stocked that bar ourselves and preordered some sandwices and snacks from the hotel.

By choice, the biggest ticket was the honeymoon, it cost about as much as the rest of they event.

 

[August_West]

I gotta say. Having a daughter who is getting older by the minute I like what I'm seeing here. The brides father not expected to pay anymore? Didn't know that. Sign me up now. I win on both fronts. My father in law paid every dime of our wedding which possibly could've have been spent on a decent yacht , ( which I'd prefer!) but now we can break that mold and tradition starting now and I'm off the hook! I didn't expect to get good news out of this thread but I feel great.

I'm archiving this thread for ideas for my daughter when it's time. Good stuff

 

[SubbaBub]

I gotta say. Having a daughter who is getting older by the minute I like what I'm seeing here. The brides father not expected to pay anymore? Didn't know that. Sign me up now. I win on both fronts. My father in law paid every dime of our wedding which possibly could've have been spent on a decent yacht , ( which I'd prefer!) but now we can break that mold and tradition starting now and I'm off the hook! I didn't expect to get good news out of this thread but I feel great.

We got married in our 30's so we had our own money, but the parents insisted on paying for some things like the rehearsal dinner and her dress. We let them to avoid a fight, but they got off cheap by traditional standards.

Lesson: don't let her get married until she has her own money. Less likely to end up with a loser, also.

 

[Drumguy]

No champagne, find a venue you can supply the beer/alcohol and do a bbq.

 

[superjohn]

The only thing you should be concerned with is contracting Kevin Pittsnogle as your fashion coordinator.

 

[8893]

We got married in our 30's so we had our own money, but the parents insisted on paying for some things like the rehearsal dinner and her dress. We let them to avoid a fight, but they got off cheap by traditional standards.

Lesson: don't let her get married until she has her own money. Less likely to end up with a loser, also.

Same for us in our late 20's. Her father paid for the band and got off very easy because I got a bargain; my parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, which we had at a restaurant where we used to work and also got a bargain. Also had that place book a favorite local musician later that same night and almost everyone else who was in town for the wedding came and joined us, so they did a banging business to boot and everyone had almost as much as fun as the wedding night itself.

 

[tzznandrew]

8893 is totally right. It is your wedding. Forget everyone else's desires as much as you can. Neither of our families' had money, and we were the most successful in our family, so it fell entirely on our young and not particularly wealthy selves to pay. That helped keep costs down. My wife is also awesome and not interested in all the frills. That helped. But once we started doing what we wanted, all sorts of things came down in price. We had cupcakes, candy table, photobooth, no smashing, no bouquet tossing, few formal dance things--mother son, father daughter and nothing else because we wanted people to have fun. I brewed a keg for our wedding, and a friend of ours brewed a second, so there was some real uniqueness. My parents wanted certain things, and we just flat out rejected the guests and people we were uninterested in. We did a few things we were ambivalent about--but pretended we didn't want to do them for negotiation purposes.

I come back to this to post again because the day was awesome. The people I loved best all in one room partying. And then a more exclusive group partying later. It was genuinely the most fun day I had. Been married 7 years this year, but had been with my wife for over five years before. Wouldn't change a thing.

 

[boog204]

Lots of good stuff above... Knowing people really helps. A friend who used to be our band photographer did our photos for a great, great rate. Another musician friend was our DJ for a great, great rate. We had a budding college film student/videographer do an engagement photo video for free so he could gain experience. Our local liquor store gave us an incredible rate on small "favors" for the guests.

My wife had a gorgeous dress that she found on clearance at a whole in the wall dress place. We didn't do this (wish we had), but I have friends and a sister who have done their flowers (if your fiance HAS to have pro flowers) through Stop and Shop and they were gorgeous and very fair.

To throw another venue idea, and no idea where you are, but we did the Riverhouse in Haddam and they were absolutely fantastic. Great food, awesome people, it's beautiful there, and they were so accommodating and fair.

 

[UConnTrumbull]

Thanks all for the advice. Not enough time to message all of you. Here's where I stand:
Fiance's father owns a catering company so that is a big help...assuming he covers that cost.
Trying to budget for no more than $10k.
We both make around $50k right now.
Currently looking for venues that won't break the bank.

 

[August_West]

We got married in our 30's so we had our own money, but the parents insisted on paying for some things like the rehearsal dinner and her dress. We let them to avoid a fight, but they got off cheap by traditional standards.

Lesson: don't let her get married until she has her own money. Less likely to end up with a loser, also.

We were straight old school.my parents paid for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon her parents paid for wedding and reception