Boneyard Off Season Dad Jokes

[CL82]

Wife (on way to first camping trip): I'm a little worried about being attacked by bear!
Husband (sighing): I'm sure we'll fine.
Wife: How can you be so sure?
Husband: At the last intersection we passed a sign that said "Bear Left'

 

[8893]

Because of my reputation for bad dad jokes, one of my daughters gave me these socks last Father's Day:

 

[Mano]

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

 

[CL82]

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It really makes my day.

Yeah there's something about the sunrise.
I've really taken a shine to it.

 

[crewbear742]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw".

 

[Dove]

He's Dove, and Dove's Dad joke is pretending to be confused as to why the Dad jokes don't each have a Dad as the subject of the joke (i.e. A dad & a mushroom walk into a bar, the mushroom is refused service, the dad says to the bartender; "C'mon he's a fun guy")

My dad left us when I was 2.

 

[sledog]

I don't get it.

Dad: flip the d --> b = BAD

 

[Mano]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

Spoiler

When the punchline becomes apparent.

My dad left us when I was 2.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

Spoiler

When it leaves you and never comes back.

 

[jcaprio90]

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A doyouthinkhesauras

My friend recently started to photograph salmon wearing fancy clothes. Its like shooting fish in apparel

 

[Purple Stein]

Why does the Swedish navy put barcodes on their boats?

Spoiler

So they can scan da navy in.

 

[bcisco]

Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says “hey we have a drink named after you.”
Grasshopper says “you have a drink named Kevin?”

 

[Chin Diesel]

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?


It was two tired.

 

[Chin Diesel]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

 

[Chin Diesel]

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.

I don't know what he laced then with but I was tripping all day.

 

[temery]

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...but I turned myself around.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not very good.

 

[temery]

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Spoiler

Absolutely nothing

 

[Mano]

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

To get to the other side.

 

[8893]

Overheard this one on the ski lift last season:

A programmer gets a text from his wife on his way to the store:

"Please pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

He came home with 12 loaves of bread and no eggs.

 

[RoderickSpode]

Overheard this one on the ski lift last season:

A programmer gets a text from his wife on his way to the store:

"Please pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

He came home with 12 loaves of bread and no eggs.

A programmer got a call from his wife and she said, "While you're out, buy some milk."

That was 5 years ago -- he still hasn't come home.

 

[BIGMAC]

What do you call a blind deer?

*shrugs*
No idear.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?


Still no idear!!

 

[Chin Diesel]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

 

[Mano]

I owe a lot to sidewalks

Spoiler

They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

 

[crewbear742]

Why can't third derivatives get dates?

Because they're jerks.

 

[CL82]

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

 

[Chin Diesel]

I told my son Fortnite wasn't a good name for a game.

He asked why.

I said it's too weak.