March is once again upon us and your esteemed Judge is here to manufacture a trumped up charge and process that individual in accordance with the fair and impartial parameters of the Boneyard Judicial System©. All in the name of makin’ Mojo and winnin’ titles.
And listen. Before we start stretchin' necks here? I get it. This season has been frustrating for all of us and part of my discontent is this conference we’re in. As I’ve said before, we lose games against teams I think we should beat (and I’m not happy), then we blow out the terrible teams in the bottom tier of the conference (and I’m not happy with that either). But that problem isn’t going away. And we need to find a way to make the American great.
And who is the perfect guy for that job? Yup. Donald Trump.
This team and this message board needs the Donald’s plucky, gritty attitude for 6 more games. We are the UConn Huskies. We have done great things. We ooze greatness. We can be great again. Don’t tell me about Jim Boeheim. He’s a loser like that Bernie Sanders. Don’t tell me about PC. They’re a bunch of whining choke artists like Ted Cruz. We want to build a wall around Storrs and the only two things we let in are championship trophies and future lottery picks.
And let me also say, I already know how many of you will react. You’re simple and predictable and you don’t know the first thing about Mojos. I know there will be “mock outrage” at my decree and the rest of this week will look like the parking lot of a Trump rally. But take a good hard look in the mirror. When someone tries to talk smack to you about college hoops, how quickly do you lash out and rub our 4 National Championships right in there face? Just like the Donald would. Every single one of you does it. "Take our greatness and shut your stupid face."
As further proof, I submit Exhibit A. Caron Butler commented “cash” when Jalen Adams desperation heave went up, right? Well, if you want more Cash? Who has more than Donald Trump? He’ll show us how to get lots more Cash.
Exhibit B? Watch this.
Hey, if I thought Charlie could help us get another one? I’d sign him right up…but Charlie ain’t doin’ so well these days and it’s safe to say we milked him for all the tiger blood he had. And well, let's face it. Donald is the new Charlie.
Show the world that we own March. 1 seed? 4 seed? 9 seed? South? East? Midwest? Doesn’t matter. Put us in a bracket and watch us win another title. Change your avatar. Post a picture. Make a sign. Go over to the women’s board and ask them which one looks most like that fat slob Hilary. (Hint: They all do. Even the males.) Sound the trumpets and raise your Trump flag high. March belongs to the UConn Huskies and there’s not a damned thing anyone can do about it.
And, of course, we need a Yard scapegoat to lay at the feet of the March Madness gods and get this party started. Let it never be said that I don’t give my people what they want.
August_West has spent the entire season talking about his disdain for turkey and ketchup and posting videos of drugged out dancing hippies that I will never be able to “un-see”. He has led our fandom off the hoops path like some pathological mixture of Jim Jones and Wavy Gravy. And now he has to pay.
Before every game, Augie has to eat a turkey sandwich. With lots of ketchup. So much ketchup, it squirts out the sides and back of the sandwich and he feels like he’s drowning in it. And every time he posts, from now until the end of our season, someone needs to respond with “Shut up and eat the Mojo sandwich, commie!” Yup. It’s the victim you wanted with the punishment you wanted.
Now take this decree, go forth in ruthless bloodlust and bring us home another championship, my loyal subjects.
Sincerely,
Judge Deepster
The Maker of Mojos, The Harbinger of Destruction and The Spiritual Leader of the Unwashed Masses
