OT: Some really bad jokes to end the year

[Steelerone]

Just thought I'd give my Boneyard friends a couple of either chuckles or groans to wind up 2020. And I hope the coming year gives you only the best.



1. I was going to make this a page of ceiling jokes but they'd just go over your head.

2. What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

3. Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

4. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All the would say is "Bach, Bach, Bach."

5. The inventor of Velcro died. RIP.

6. I want a rubber band sandwich - and make it snappy. (That last pun really is a stretch.)

7. Whaf do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a hill? A lambslide.

8. And, finally, A widow is mourning at her husband's grave. A man approaches and asks, "Mind if I say a few words?"
"O.k.", she says.
"Plethora"
"Thanks. That means a lot."

 

[FairView]

Oh, no.
I dread what this thread will bring out in fellow boneyarders – and the fact that I won't be able to resist reading it. Let the pain begin!

What do you get if you mate an elephant with a rhino? El-if-I know!

 

[CL82]

I'm really more of an impressions guy than a joke guy. This year I started doing bird impressions. My wife hates them. She told me to stop doing my flamingo impression. I guess I'm going to have to put my foot down.

 

[bluedevil]

What is purple and conquered Macedonia? Alexander the Grape.

 

[RockyMTblue2]

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." Lily Tomlin

 

[Jim]

How do you keep a homicidal maniac in suspense?

 

[Kaizen]

Playing with fate​

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

 

[Kaizen]

Where’s the bathroom again?​

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

 

[oldude]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.......

 

[meyers7]

Just thought I'd give my Boneyard friends a couple of either chuckles or groans to wind up 2020. And I hope the coming year gives you only the best.





2. What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

 

[meyers7]

How do you keep a homicidal maniac in suspense?

 

[RegisteredUconn]

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

 

[Steelerone]

Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt.

 

[eebmg]

Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein felt.

Maybe you need to be tested. A new Covid symptom can be loss of sense of humor.

 

[CL82]

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual physical and the doctor asked him so do you have any other complaints. The guy says “ Doc, I have been incredibly gassy and I have to fart constantly. The only good news is that my farts are absolutely silent so at least no one knows it’s me. That’s been a savings grace for me a bunch of times. I have farted in church, farted in weddings, farted at funerals and it would’ve been really embarrassing if it wasn’t for the fact that they were silent. In fact I’ve farted three times while I’ve been in here and you didn’t hear a single one of them. Anyway, so Doc what do you think we should do?

The doctor looks at him and says “Well first thing we’re gonna do is get your hearing checked.”

 

[Steelerone]

I got to go to the doctor for his annual physical and the doctor asked him so do you have any other complaints. The guy says “ Doc, I have been incredibly gassy and I have to fart constantly. The only good news is that my farts are absolutely silent so at least no one knows it’s me. That’s been our saving grace for me a bunch of times. I have farted in church, farted in weddings, farted at funerals and it would’ve been really embarrassing if it wasn’t for the fact that they were silent. In fact I’ve farted three times while I’ve been in here and I didn’t hear a single one of them. Anyway, so Doc what do you think we should do?

The doctor looks at him and says “Well first thing we’re gonna do is get your hearing checked.”

CLB, the post was worth that joke. Happy New Year and God Bless us all, everyone (Poaching Tiny Tim)

 

[bluedevil]

Did you hear about the peanut who got beat up in the bar? He was a salted

 

[bluedevil]

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual physical and the doctor asked him so do you have any other complaints. The guy says “ Doc, I have been incredibly gassy and I have to fart constantly. The only good news is that my farts are absolutely silent so at least no one knows it’s me. That’s been a savings grace for me a bunch of times. I have farted in church, farted in weddings, farted at funerals and it would’ve been really embarrassing if it wasn’t for the fact that they were silent. In fact I’ve farted three times while I’ve been in here and you didn’t hear a single one of them. Anyway, so Doc what do you think we should do?

The doctor looks at him and says “Well first thing we’re gonna do is get your hearing checked.”

That joke stinks..

 

[Zanzman]

 

[MdStang]

Two asparagus are walking across the street when one is struck by a car.

He is rushed to the hospital and into emergency surgery.

Three hours later the Doctor comes out of surgery to talk to the other asparagus.

The Doctor says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

 

[bluedevil]

Poor Gus.

 

[Aluminny69]

Oh no, don't even get me started....

 

[Aluminny69]

 

[Aluminny69]

 

[Aluminny69]

I'll bet you sang that last one. C'mon, tell the truth...