- Joined
- Aug 26, 2011
- Messages
- 13,217
- Reaction Score
- 34,721
Son of Robert:
Linked haiku to tell one story is certainly a part of the Japanese tradition, and the piece doesn't leave the reader with odd or weak line ending words like 'a' or 'of': each one serves a purpose.
But still, there are weird oddities here. The lack of punctuation seems a modernist twist, as is "thru" for "through," which seems to evoke drive-thru fast food. Is Son of Robert suggesting all basketball is merely a short, ephemeral delicacy, to be consumed and tossed aside? All we do and watch is ultimately for the capitalist machine? It certainly does ask questions.
I don't like how I have to read "conference" as 3-syllables. It feels forced. As does the end of S3L3: "scoring points his role." The grammar breakdown calls attention to itself without adding much. This happens throughout: the form controlling the poet, rather than vice versa. Still, there are the seeds of a strong writer here.
Andrew's Score: Early Weldon Kees
David 76:
There's a simplicity to David 76's haiku. It asks a question about place: what is a place? Does it matter if the result is the same regardless? The haiku leaves that question open.
I do like minimalism, but still, the lack of a comma seems sloppy.
Andrew's Score: Amy Lowell
ZennConn:
The allusion to the Tao Te Ching goes well with the poet's name. It has some grammatical issues as well, but the haiku is image driven: one can almost imagine Jalen chopping wood, Al dragging water, and Kwintin in the back, wishing there were something he could dunk on. It is well executed.
Andrew's Score: William Carlos Williams
Kenny11:
Jumpmane is an interesting portmanteau here, and it gives the reader a sense of the fierceness of Kwintin, longing to kill (of warmups) and enjoy the spoils of war. But then, one must remember that it is the Lioness, not the Lion, who hunts--and she has no mane. So the poem, perhaps intentionally, calls attention to the fact that Kwintin mostly sits away, out of the sunlight, waiting to let the rest of the pride score the win so he can swoop in. Who is awake? Clearly Kenny11
Andrew's Score: Elizabeth Bishop
Migs:
Why are the words in the opening line capitalized? It's a great question that we scarcely can ask before before we're plunged into the first person plural possessive. We are now part of the team--but in what way are our chances limited? Surely it is true about life--our birth limits us in so many ways!--but in basketball? And, given our obvious superiority to UNH, was Migs suggesting that, out of a sort of philanthropy we should let them stay close? But isn't there greater cruelty in that?
Andrew's Score: Matthew Prior
Butch:
The first haiku had a hint of comedy to it. It made this reader smile. The second, though tried too hard--if one is to write poetry, one should own it, not dissemble and pretend not to care. It loses points for refusing this.
Andrew's Score: Samuel Daniel's Butler
nomar:
There's violence and change at the heart of this poem, along with a aphoristic resignation to the world as a whole. Still, the paucity of specific imagery hurts what otherwise could really work. It is, in other words, too abstract for it's own good sometimes.
Andrew's Score: William Bronk
Dove:
There's such joy in this poem. It's almost like a work-song: the peasant celebrating the end of his day with something that evokes something far off and inaccessible: the tropics. It all helps to ease the meaningless of all this life here. A beer fan can almost taste the citrus in the Palate Mallet, in a way that evokes the Chinese classical tradition of wine-drunk poems.
Andrew's Score: Li Po
Linked haiku to tell one story is certainly a part of the Japanese tradition, and the piece doesn't leave the reader with odd or weak line ending words like 'a' or 'of': each one serves a purpose.
But still, there are weird oddities here. The lack of punctuation seems a modernist twist, as is "thru" for "through," which seems to evoke drive-thru fast food. Is Son of Robert suggesting all basketball is merely a short, ephemeral delicacy, to be consumed and tossed aside? All we do and watch is ultimately for the capitalist machine? It certainly does ask questions.
I don't like how I have to read "conference" as 3-syllables. It feels forced. As does the end of S3L3: "scoring points his role." The grammar breakdown calls attention to itself without adding much. This happens throughout: the form controlling the poet, rather than vice versa. Still, there are the seeds of a strong writer here.
Andrew's Score: Early Weldon Kees
David 76:
There's a simplicity to David 76's haiku. It asks a question about place: what is a place? Does it matter if the result is the same regardless? The haiku leaves that question open.
I do like minimalism, but still, the lack of a comma seems sloppy.
Andrew's Score: Amy Lowell
ZennConn:
The allusion to the Tao Te Ching goes well with the poet's name. It has some grammatical issues as well, but the haiku is image driven: one can almost imagine Jalen chopping wood, Al dragging water, and Kwintin in the back, wishing there were something he could dunk on. It is well executed.
Andrew's Score: William Carlos Williams
Kenny11:
Jumpmane is an interesting portmanteau here, and it gives the reader a sense of the fierceness of Kwintin, longing to kill (of warmups) and enjoy the spoils of war. But then, one must remember that it is the Lioness, not the Lion, who hunts--and she has no mane. So the poem, perhaps intentionally, calls attention to the fact that Kwintin mostly sits away, out of the sunlight, waiting to let the rest of the pride score the win so he can swoop in. Who is awake? Clearly Kenny11
Andrew's Score: Elizabeth Bishop
Migs:
Why are the words in the opening line capitalized? It's a great question that we scarcely can ask before before we're plunged into the first person plural possessive. We are now part of the team--but in what way are our chances limited? Surely it is true about life--our birth limits us in so many ways!--but in basketball? And, given our obvious superiority to UNH, was Migs suggesting that, out of a sort of philanthropy we should let them stay close? But isn't there greater cruelty in that?
Andrew's Score: Matthew Prior
Butch:
The first haiku had a hint of comedy to it. It made this reader smile. The second, though tried too hard--if one is to write poetry, one should own it, not dissemble and pretend not to care. It loses points for refusing this.
Andrew's Score: Samuel Daniel's Butler
nomar:
There's violence and change at the heart of this poem, along with a aphoristic resignation to the world as a whole. Still, the paucity of specific imagery hurts what otherwise could really work. It is, in other words, too abstract for it's own good sometimes.
Andrew's Score: William Bronk
Dove:
There's such joy in this poem. It's almost like a work-song: the peasant celebrating the end of his day with something that evokes something far off and inaccessible: the tropics. It all helps to ease the meaningless of all this life here. A beer fan can almost taste the citrus in the Palate Mallet, in a way that evokes the Chinese classical tradition of wine-drunk poems.
Andrew's Score: Li Po
