OT: Got Jokes?

[ConnEd]

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a pub together on a summer evening and each orders a pint. Being a warm night, the pub's doors and windows are open. Simultaneously, three flies buzz in and dive into each of the men's ales.

The Englishman looks at the fly and asks the barkeep to draw him a new pint.

The Scot picks the fly out and says, "I'm not about to waste a perfectly good beer, laddies."

The Irishman picks up the fly by its wings and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

 

[8893]

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[mauconnfan]

A baby seal walks into a club...

That's awful but man did I laugh

 

[OkaForPrez]

That's awful but man did I laugh

No seals were harmed in the writing of that joke mau.

 

[8893]

That's awful but man did I laugh

I've beaten that one to death (sorry, couldn't resist), but I still laugh uncontrollably every time I tell it.

I'm actually laughing again as I type this, just thinking about all the times I've laughed while telling it. Definitely a "so bad it's good" kind of laugh for me.

 

[August_West]

I saw your girlfriend at Pet therapy this afternoon.
How does she keep her coat so shiny? **


A Chinese man goes to the optometrist for a checkup. The Dr. tells him "You have a cataract"
The man replies "No, I drive a Rincoln" **


**The above 2 jokes are courtesy of Corrado Junior Soprano

 

[Chin Diesel]

Attributed to Tiger Woods as told by David Feherty in an interview in a golf magazine.

Q: What do you call a black man flying an airplane? Long awkward pause...........................A: a pilot, you racist.

 

[UConnMike04]

A man is at his dying friends bedside. He says to his friend "Promise me one thing, you'll let me know somehow if heaven has golf courses?" The dying man promises to let him know after he passes somehow. Not too long after that conversation the man passes. His friend is mourning the loss of his best friend when one night his deceased friend comes to him in a dream and says "Well I have good and bad news for you. The good news is that heaven has the most beautiful, green and best golf courses you'll ever see!" The man says to his deceased friend "Well what is the bad news?" The deceased man says "You're in my foursome on Tuesday."

 

[Chin Diesel]

An Englishman and a Scot are walking back to their homes after having a few pints at the local pub.

As they're walking home they see a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The Englishman looks at the Scot and says "You know, the miss's has been feeling ill, I've been working hard and I haven't had a chance to get randy in a while.".

So the Englishman walks over, drops his pants and does his deed. The Scot is standing on the side of the road looking on in astonishment.

When the Englishman walks back the Scot looks at the Brit and says "It too has been a while since I've done that. We have a few minutes. Mind if I take a turn?"

The Englishman says "Sure, we have some time."

So the Scot walks over, sticks his head in the fence, turns around and says "Go ahead".