OT: - National Tell a Joke Day | Page 2 | The Boneyard

OT: National Tell a Joke Day

So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you’ve never seen before?”
The bartender says, “sure, but it’d better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “hey, if I show you something else amazing that you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as the hamster, sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says “Holy shit, a singing frog! I’ll give you $200 for that frog.”
The first man says “Deal!” and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, “not that it’s my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven’s sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
 
.-.
Not a joke, but my Dangerfield joke reminds me. There is a beautiful little cemetery now hidden behind buildings in the center of Westwood Village near UCLA. Marylin Monroe’s nondescript crypt is there in a wall of similar crypts, distinguished only by an attached bouquet, a custom started by Joe DiMaggio. There are also many separate burial plots. Several celebs, including Dangerfield, are buried there. The cemetery allows all kinds of inscriptions on the tombstones. Dangerfield’s says “There goes the neighborhood”. One of the other funny one’s is Merv Griffin. “I will not be back after the following commercial”.
 
RockyMTblue2 said:
So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you’ve never seen before?”
The bartender says, “sure, but it’d better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “hey, if I show you something else amazing that you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as the hamster, sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says “Holy # 2, a singing frog! I’ll give you $200 for that frog.”
The first man says “Deal!” and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, “not that it’s my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven’s sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
Expand ...
That made me almost croak.
 
Not jokes exactly, but quotes from another legendary funny man, W C Fields:

A woman once drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Start off every day with a smile, and get it over with.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
And of course, when asked what should be engraved on his tombstone, Fields famously quipped "On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
 
.-.
Bama fan said:
OT: National Tell a Joke Day
Expand ...

JOKE: Joanne P. McCallie as a head coach at Duke.
No punchline, but the title of the thread referencing the "telling" of a joke, so there you go, Boneyarders!

Apologies in advance, And, thankfully, my post is now finished, as is McCallie's tenure at Duke. ;-)

@triaddukefan , @EricLA , @vowelguy , @Dillon77 , @CocoHusky
 
.-.
A Uconn fan runs up to her neighbor the night after the Four Four and says, "I lost power with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter! What happened?!?" The neighbor says, "Well . . . we won! But there were some complications. Liv and Christyn collided going for a rebound; they're both out with concussions. Aubrey apparently has the flu. Anna is being held over some visa issue. Also, Geno accidentally bumped a ref arguing a call; he's suspended for the rest of the tournament."

The Uconn fan exclaims, "On no! That's terrible!"

The neighbor replies: "Just kidding! We lost in OT."
 
What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A college kid is standing in the 10 items or less line at a Cambridge supermarket with a cart full of groceries. The cashier pointed to the sign and wondered if the kid was from MIT and couldn't read or from Harvard and couldn't count.

Guy goes on a business trip to a port city. His meetings finish early one afternoon and he decides to do some sightseeing. He finds himself down by the docks where he spies a musty looking antiques shop. Curiosity piqued, he wanders in. After browsing for about 15 minutes, the proprietor walks over and a conversation ensues.

Shop Owner: See anything you like?
Man: I was looking at that brass rat over there. How much is it?
Shop Owner: Were you interested in just the rat or the rat and the story?
Man: What's the difference?
Shop Owner: Just the rat is $25, but if you want the rat and the story it's $500.
Man: Just the rat will be fine.

Back outside, purchase tucked under his arm, the man continues his walk. After a few steps he gets a strange feeling. He turns and sees a real rat following him. Man continues walking a few steps but the feeling doesn't disappear. He turns again. Two rats are following him. A few more steps, another peek back and four rats. The man picks up his pace. He turns again and 8 rats. He begins trotting, 16 rats. A bit faster more rats. Faster still and the rats are still multiplying. Finally he's down by the docks sprinting toward the water. Every rat in the city is running after him. At the last moment he sees a light pole, jumps as high as he can, grabs the pole with one arm and throws his brass prize as far as he can into the harbor. The rats all jump in the water, swim out to where the metal icon disappeared and swim around and around until they all drown.

Exhausted, the man walks back up the hill toward the shop. The proprietor is just closing up when he sees the man approach. He unlocks the door and invites the man in.

Shop Owner: I see you've come back for the story.
Man: Actually, I was wondering if you had any brass lawyers.
 
connie said:
A Uconn fan runs up to her neighbor the night after the Four Four and says, "I lost power with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter! What happened?!?" The neighbor says, "Well . . . we won! But there were some complications. Liv and Christyn collided going for a rebound; they're both out with concussions. Aubrey apparently has the flu. Anna is being held over some visa issue. Also, Geno accidentally bumped a ref arguing a call; he's suspended for the rest of the tournament."

The Uconn fan exclaims, "On no! That's terrible!"

The neighbor replies: "Just kidding! We lost in OT."
Expand ...
I realize it's a joke and all but you've hit a bit of a sore spot. We always lose in overtime.
 
.-.
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