OT: National Tell a Joke Day

[Steelerone]

Did you hear about he woman who was dating a man with a wooden leg. She broke it off.

 

[Mdoggie]

What’s Orange and sad and thrives on laurels of days long gone? Lol

 

[Steelerone]

You really need to to keep an ion them.

Are you positive about that?

 

[CL82]

Are you positive about that?

Absolutely, I get a charge out of it.

 

[Checkmate 2.0]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen .........I lean

 

[SVCBeercats]

How can you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

Pull down their genes.

Not anymore!

 

[RockyMTblue2]

So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you’ve never seen before?”
The bartender says, “sure, but it’d better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “hey, if I show you something else amazing that you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as the hamster, sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says “Holy , a singing frog! I’ll give you $200 for that frog.”
The first man says “Deal!” and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, “not that it’s my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven’s sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”

 

[Steelerone]

The weekly meeting of the Procrastination Club has been canceled due to the lack of a quorum.

 

[Steelerone]

Absolutely, I get a charge out of it
CL82, your reply made me terminally ill.

 

[CL82]

Oh, CL82, your reply made me terminally ill.

Wow I'm so sorry. Did I Bohr you to death?

 

[NEforceUConn]

What happened when the butcher cut himself?

He got a little behind in his work.

 

[cohenzone]

My favorite Rodney Dangerfield line of many

I walked into a bar and the bartender asked “what’ll you have?”

“surprise me” I said

“Ok. I slept with your wife last night”

 

[cohenzone]

Not a joke, but my Dangerfield joke reminds me. There is a beautiful little cemetery now hidden behind buildings in the center of Westwood Village near UCLA. Marylin Monroe’s nondescript crypt is there in a wall of similar crypts, distinguished only by an attached bouquet, a custom started by Joe DiMaggio. There are also many separate burial plots. Several celebs, including Dangerfield, are buried there. The cemetery allows all kinds of inscriptions on the tombstones. Dangerfield’s says “There goes the neighborhood”. One of the other funny one’s is Merv Griffin. “I will not be back after the following commercial”.

 

[cohenzone]

So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you’ve never seen before?”
The bartender says, “sure, but it’d better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “hey, if I show you something else amazing that you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as the hamster, sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says “Holy # 2, a singing frog! I’ll give you $200 for that frog.”
The first man says “Deal!” and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, “not that it’s my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven’s sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”

That made me almost croak.

 

[Bama fan]

That made me almost croak.

Groan!

 

[Bama fan]

Not jokes exactly, but quotes from another legendary funny man, W C Fields:

A woman once drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Start off every day with a smile, and get it over with.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
And of course, when asked what should be engraved on his tombstone, Fields famously quipped "On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

 

[meyers7]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen .........I lean

I find it funnier that you feel the need to explain the jokes.

 

[CamrnCrz1974]

OT: National Tell a Joke Day

JOKE: Joanne P. McCallie as a head coach at Duke.
No punchline, but the title of the thread referencing the "telling" of a joke, so there you go, Boneyarders!

Apologies in advance, And, thankfully, my post is now finished, as is McCallie's tenure at Duke. ;-)

@triaddukefan , @EricLA , @vowelguy , @Dillon77 , @CocoHusky

 

[willtalk]

Wow I'm so sorry. Did I Bohr you to death?

All these power based jokes are just Re Volt ing.

 

[willtalk]

What did Destiny Slocum say to her coach as she entered the "Portal "? "Beam me out Scottie."

 

[CL82]

All these power based jokes are just Re Volt ing.

I don't know, I am pretty amped up over them.

 

[Zanzman]

What did Destiny Slocum say to her coach as she entered the "Portal "? "Beam me out Scottie."

Worst yet

 

[Steelerone]

Wow I'm so sorry. Did I Bohr you to death?

You made me grind my teeth on that one.

 

[Steelerone]

That made me almost croak.

Read it. Read it. Read it.

 

[Bama fan]

I find it funnier that you feel the need to explain the jokes.

Talk about reading the room! Maybe he's on to us.