RESOLUTIONS
In Consequence of
PRO FORMA INQUIRY
WHEREAS, Duke head women’s basketball coach Joanne P. McCallie (“Coach P”) has participated in that certain Pro Forma Inquiry (“PFI”) conducted by Duke Athletic Director Kevin White; and
WHEREAS, the PFI, being a PFI and with the active input and guidance of Coach P, has found no wrongdoing on the part of Coach P; and
WHEREAS, such absence of wrongdoing may, in view of contractual considerations, suffice to enable job continuation in lieu of a vote of confidence; and
WHEREAS, platitudes;
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the foregoing and the overall hunky-dory and outstanding etc. etc.;
BE IT RESOLVED, that Coach P will continue to serve, if service it may be, as Duke head women’s basketball coach; and be it further
RESOLVED, that, in furtherance of the continued improvement on excellence etc. and so forth;
1. Coach P will pay attention to her job when not golfing or otherwise engaged in more interesting activities;
2. Coach P will throw her players under the bus only as necessary for their failure to guard opposing players such as Number 10 or Number 3;
3. Coach P will take the PFI as a lesson learned;
4. Coach P will vary her post-game statements, as a courtesy to her tormented listeners, to include occasional departures from, or variations on, the phrase “lessons learned;”
5. Coach P, if not inclined to intervene, will at least refrain from yelling Fight!! Fight!! during exercises in team chemistry; and
6. Coach P will discourage her ample supply of former high school All Americans from participating in USA Basketball, if all they’re going to do is get actual coaching and come back to Duke as troublemakers.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the undersigned have duly executed these resolutions in lieu of executing the coach, at least for now.