The funniest joke in the world.

[terif831]

A very poor, elderly woman was sitting in her kitchen wondering where she was going to get her next meal, when her old cat trapped a mouse in the corner of the room. She thought she was dreaming when the mouse began to speak. "Lady, please help me! If you call off your cat, I'll grant you 3 wishes!"

Well, she thought, What do I have to lose? "I'd like a million dollars," she said. "Done!" said the mouse, and POOF! a million dollars appeared on the table in front of her.

Pretty good, she thought. "Now, I'd like to be young and beautiful again." "Done!" said the mouse, and POOF! she was transformed into a young, curvacious blonde.

Wow, she thought, What else could I possibly want? Her eyes landed on the cat, still cornering the mouse on the floor, and she said, "Now, turn that cat into a handsome young man who can share my new life with me." "Done!" said the mouse, and POOF! the cat became a tall, muscular young man.

The woman sighed and said, "I can't believe it! I have everything I could possibly want!" And her new companion replied, "Yeah . . . but now aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

 

[FairView]

My apologies if I told this one in here before:

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[Waquoit]

As I get older, I like shorter jokes, particularly one where just the punchline will do, like:

"Roll her over, Dad, I want a puppy!"

Agree. My favorite is: "Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!"

 

[Dairyair]

Agree. My favorite is: "Wrecked him? Damn near killed him!"

Or, "Man riding MY bicycle!"

 

[Harry Mangurian]

My Favorite:

"We are going to be the pearl of the Big East."

(or something like that)

 

[RegisteredUconn]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on the wall? Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the pool? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs that lays on the porch? Matt

What do you call the dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he won't come.

and finally...

What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sailing over a fence? Homer.

 

[RegisteredUconn]

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

 

[FairView]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sailing over a fence? Homer.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hiding in a pile of leaves?
Russel.

 

[grizz36]

We'll skip the looong story and go straight to the punch line: Dale Evans to Roy Rogers,

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

.... or the new lyrics for the song;

You leave the Transylvania Station about seven at best,
read a bloody story then you're in Bucherest ........

 

[John Glass]

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall ?

damn


or dam

 

[Zorro]

Imho none of you have even come close to Spike's joke. Try harder.

 

[UConniki]

we need more jokes, great way to start the day.

 

[pinotbear]

What's the difference between a Tennessee fan and a baby elephant?

..about 50 pounds.

What's the difference between a Maine debutant and a moose cow?

50 pounds and a flannel shirt!

 

[meyers7]

A true groaner:

Top Story

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, dead at 53.

Over Barcelona today the famed reindeer was hit by a Flock of Seagulls and a 747

Eyewitnesses report, the reindeer in Spain was hit mostly by the plane.

 

[Icebear]

Was Flock of Seagulls inside or outside the 747?

 

[Bestiarius]

Corporate Lesson 1 - A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $1000 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $1000 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

[UConner]

A guy is traveling through the back roads of Tennessee, and he drives by a farm with a sign that says, Talking Dog, $10. Intrigued, the guy stops and asks the farmer sitting on the front porch about the dog. The farmer says that he's around back, go check him out for yourself.

The guy goes out back and sees the dog. He asks, “You can talk?” The dog answers, “Yes, I can”. The guy can't believe it. “Tell me your story”. The dog starts talking. “Early on as a puppy I could understand people and talk back to them. The CIA found out about me and recruited me to be a spy. I sat in meetings and nobody ever paid attention to me. I caught a bunch of spies, got loads of medals, but in dog years I was getting old and the travel was too much. I retired from the CIA and worked for the TSA at the airport for a couple more years, but now I am fully retired. I got married, we've had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just enjoying life”

The guy is astounded. He can't believe it. He goes back to the farmer and says, “I have to own this dog, but why is he so cheap?” The farmer says, “He's a liar, he never did any of that crap”.

 

[Bestiarius]

A guy goes into a bar with his dog, boasts that the dog can talk, and challenges the patrons to ask the dog a question. A patron says, "Name a famous baseball player," The dog responds, "Ruff." The dog owner says, "See, Babe Ruth." The annoyed bar owner throws the man and his dog into the street, where the dog says, "Gee boss, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio."

 

[geordi]

There was a Scotsman named Angus McLeod, and Angus needed a new pair o' kilts. He went down to the kiltmaker's shop, finds a pattern he likes and tells the kiltmaker to make him us two pair o' kilts and give him an extra 3 yards of material...to wrap around his darlin's neck for when it gets cold at the castle.

Three days later the kiltmaker calls and tells him his kilts are ready. Angus runs down to the kiltmaker's shop, picks up the kilts, and runs back to the castle; and of course, he's got to try them on right away. Well, of course, Scotsmen don't wear anything underneath the kilts.

He's so excited that he decides he's got to go show his darlin'. He runs out of the castle, across the burn, down the hill, through the woods. But he's so excited he doesn't notice that the kilts have snagged on a branch and were ripped off.

He runs up to his darlin's cottage and knocks on the door. When she answers it, he says, "Well, do ya like it, darlin'?" She says, "Angus, I think it's beautiful." He says, " Well, that's good, cause I got three yards back home to wrap around your neck."

 

[geordi]

Then Paddy was in confession. He says, "Bless me, father, I have sinned." The priest says, "Well, what did you do now, Paddy." Paddy says, "During the war, I met a girl and gave her santuary from the Germans or they would have killed her." The priest says, "Well, Paddy. That was no sin. It was heroic." Paddy says,"But you don't understand, father. I couldn't help myself and I started to make love to her often." The priest says, "Well, that's bad, but I understand how it could have happened. Say 5 Our Fathers' and 5 Hail Mary's and God will forgive you." Paddy says, "Thank you, father. Oh, and there's one more thing. Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"

 

[Bestiarius]

Well, of course, Scotsmen don't wear anything underneath the kilts.

When asked what is worn under his kilts, Scotsmen reply, " Nothing is worn. It's all in perfect operating condition."