I have to tell you. I enjoyed the use of euphemisms in the Proposed Areas. May I translate?
Proposed Areas for Autonomy
•Define a full grant-in-aid as meeting a student-athlete’s cost of attendance in a manner consistent with the core values of the collegiate model and not to exceed total cost of attendance. [In other words, a "full grant in aid" is about to become a FULL GRANT IN AID. Emphasis on "full."
•Lifetime opportunity to fund the undergraduate education of current and former student-athletes. New resources and greater accountability for success of student-athletes. [In other words, we will continue to pay you and find you jobs after you don't graduate. New resources. And we can get you graduated after all. We are going to set up a post eligibility "wink/wink" degree program in conjunction with the University of Phoenix on line where you will - and boy, I mean will - get a college degree]
•Enhanced benefits provided to student-athletes for the purpose of supporting their needs based on available resources. [Ok, I get it. This one doesn't need translation. But I have to anyway. "Enhanced benefits to poor kids out of North Miami, or Tuscaloosa, AL, means money to them and their families. "Enhanced" has to mean something more than the usual. It's "enhanced," after all. People have needs. We can take care of them under the "enhanced benefits" clause.
•Ensure that addressing health and safety needs remain a top priority. [Here's a worthy goal. We have to keep our football players healthy. They and their families have to have health insurance. And other related benefits that come with health insurance.]
•Creation of “athletics dead periods” for student-athletes to access opportunities outside of intercollegiate athletics. [You have to love this one. We're going to give you a "period" like we used to do when you were in first grade and you had morning period and afternoon period. Didn't you like going out for period? Getting out of that room? Getting away from that teach? Even if it was only 15 minutes, I sure loved going out for period. And you know what we're gonna do? That's right. We're gonna give you a period: and "athletics dead period." During this period, you don't have to go to practice. You don't have to talk to Coach. Why? He's on vacation. He goes two weeks a year. When he's on vacation, his wife doesn't let him use the phone. So we're good! That's the "athletics dead period."
•Comprehensive support for academically at-risk student-athletes. [Ok. You saw above that we' all gonna have "enhanced benefits" for poo kids, right? And their families? Right. Now, sometimes they have other problems not exactly related to football. There's other things than footbal. Like someone's cousin can get arrested and he might need a bail bondsman. Or one of them's mothers buys a used car, and dang, after a couple hundred thousand miles it ain't workin. Just flat out giv up. Well, she needs a car. How's she gonna get around? That's his mother after all. How's he gonna study worrying about his mother having to take the bus? No. Not hapnin. She needs a car to get around. We said comprehensive support. Comprehensive. Questions? Comments? P5? Any one else?
•Redefinition of rules governing agents and advisors to assist student-athletes with career planning. [If you loved "Comprehensive support" you gonna really love this one. "career planning?" "Agents?" Isn't that what agents do? Agents are career planners. Complete autonomy over what agents will henceforth be allowed to do. Agents may find a way to help plan your career if you happen to attend our institution. World Wide must've written this one. Can you imagine what this means? The P5 is going to define what agents are allowed to do. Agents pay money for access. Alabama is worth a lot of money to agents. If you go to Alabama, then agents may pay you money. If you go to Boston College, the agent may pay you money. Maybe not as much, but your kid's gettin paid. Connecticut too. Because the P5 is writing the rules. It's legal. If you have the money to do it, then do it. If it's important to you, then do it. Alabama doesn't have the money. But it's important to them. That important. So even though they don't have the money according to our values, they do it. It's that important. It's not that important to us. Therein lies the difference. It's not important to BC either, but just you watch, they will do it if they have to. And so will we. BC needs the money more because they are private. They are lucky, but they made the commitment years ago, and the State of Connecticut simply was not. Too short sighted, too curmudgeonly, too parochial, too Storrs, too New England, too whatever, we didn't have the vision of a Boston College. Don't let that hurt you. Don't let that cause you pain. We didn't have the passion. Syracuse did. BC did. They had the passion. These rules are designed to protect the passion. Let them do whatever the H they want. That's what these "career planning" - and you have to chuckle - rules say.
•Personnel limits. (number of non-coaching personnel)- [Almost done. We can hire your dad. And your mom. And your brother. And your uncle (but he will have to show up for a couple of hours in the morning - it's a state job!). And your grandpa. Grandma. They're all valuable additions to the athletic department or "friends" of the athletic department. Car dealers. Everyone who helps out is considered "non coaching personnel." The don't exactly coach, but they help the football program. And that helps the program. It does, right? Aren't these the schools you want to play against?