The funniest joke in the world.

[Zorro]

A British group voted this Spike Milligan gem the funniest joke in the world. What do you think? Can you top it?

And here it is...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[John Glass]

or......

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?



no idea ?






or no eye deer

 

[VAMike23]

I thought you meant this joke...

LINK

 

[Bestiarius]

The only person left alive in the end was Ruth Lowe, writer of the song, "I'll Never Smile Again".

 

[Kibitzer]

I thought it was funny. I won't compete for funniest but I propose this for shortest:

A midget psychic escapes from prison. Headline in the paper next day:

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!​

 

[Bestiarius]

Even shorter: A patient escapes from the psychiatric ward, and assaults a woman. The headline, "Nut bolts and screws".

 

[grizz36]

I thought it was funny. I won't compete for funniest but I propose this for shortest:

A midget psychic escapes from prison. Headline in the paper next day:

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!​

Even shorter: A patient escapes from the psychiatric ward, and assaults a woman. The headline, "Nut bolts and screws".

Too bad there isn't a selection alongside "Like" that says, "Gag". Grizz36 gagged on these. Mrs Grizz strangled him before he could finish telling her the second one.

 

[Dairyair]

As I get older, I like shorter jokes, particularly one where just the punchline will do, like:

"Roll her over, Dad, I want a puppy!"

 

[Tonyc]

• A UConn fan and a Tenn fan are driving on a small dirt road. They come to a small bridge and hit head on. The Tenn fan quickly calls the police. The UConn fan trying to be nice says its going to take the police a while to get here, so lets sit down. So they sit down on a rock and talk about the UConn Tenn rivalry. The UConn fan says to the Tenn fan while we're waiting how bout a drink and pulls out a large bottle of Jack Daniels. The Tenn fan smiles and says you UConn fans arent so bad. The UConn fan hands the bottle over to the Tenn fan who promptly starts to chug it down. He wipes his face with his sleeve and hands the bottle back over the the UConn fan. The Tenn fans says thanks and then says arent you going to have any and the UConn fans no thanks the police should be here in a minute.

 

[FairView]

Not the funniest joke, but my favorite:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?




ell-if-I-know!

 

[Kibitzer]

While we are at it, the ultimate pun.

Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes and thus developed some thick callouses on his feet. His unusual diet not only kept him skinny but caused persistent bad breath. Thus:

"A super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by hallitosis."

 

[Jackalope]

I told this joke to my two daughters when they were way too young to "get it"

"What is the difference between Snow Men and Snow Women? Snow Balls!!!!"

They didn't understand it, and I didn't explain it to them. I told them they would eventually figure it out. A few years later, I was driving them somewhere, and the older one started laughing spontaneously. She then said through her laughter...."Snow Balls!!!, Good one Dad!"

 

[Jackalope]

I also told this joke to my daughters when we were traveling through a particularly buggy area and our windshield was splattered with remains.

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?








It's Butt!!!!!!

 

[MilfordHusky]

One of my favorites comes from the late King of Late Night. Johnny Carson's high school classmate in Nebraska, Gina Statutori, was named Miss Lincoln because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

 

[phil sampieri]

oldie- Irish Pat falls into a ditch on his way home after a night at the local pub. 6 months later they wheel him into the courtroom
on a stretcher. The jury awards him 5 million dollars and after the judgement the insurance company's agent goes up to Pat and says,
I know your faking and I'm going to follow you the rest of your life and get that money back, where do you think you're going to go now.
Pat saya, bucko I'm going on a private jet to Paris, France from there they will take me to the Shrine at Lourdes and there you are going to witness the biggest miracle you've ever seen

 

[Kibitzer]

A variation of the usual "guy walks into a bar" starter. (Kids love this one. They love to "get it.")

A frog walks into a bank.

Walks up to a window, whose teller is Ms. Patricia Wakk.

"May I help you?" "I want a loan."

Ms. Wakk, uncertain how to deal with this, takes the safe approach: "Er, do you have an account here? Or. perhaps, something of value to secure the loan?"

"Sure, and here it is," as the frog presents a gorgeous miniature cloisane elephant. "Take that to your manager. He's an old friend of my dad, Mick Jaeger, and that will satisfy your need to secure the loan."

"Sir, I must see the manager. He must give approval."

Off they both go to the manager's office.

Ms. Wakk holds up the gorgeous little trinket and explains the awkward situation. "This, um, frog wants a loan. He says you are a friend of his dad, Mr. Jaeger. And what about this little elephant gadget?"

The manager smiles and announces his decision.

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wakk. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
"

 

[Bezzz]

An old man, not feeling well, schedules a check-up with his doctor. After a complete physical, the doctor sits him down and says "I have some bad news. You have cancer........and you have Alzheimers.

The old man smiles and says "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

 

[MilfordHusky]

The fans on the Summitt think they will get all of the top 10 players.

 

[arty155]

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
"

Good thread. ‘Yarders looking for ways to kill time awaiting summer tipoff of our UConn Alumni Olympic Team’s basketball, might check out this joke site, (frequent discussion of bears): http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/

Two atoms are walking down the street:
· First atom: "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

· Second atom: "Are you sure?"

· First atom: "Yeah, I'm positive!"

 

[Bestiarius]

Speaking of killing... A Uconn fan and a Tenn fan were applying for a job with the CIA. The CIA was recruiting for a special mission that required a willingness to carry out the assignment without question. They had devised a test that the candidates were required to pass to get the job. The CIA agent explained to the applicants that their spouses were seated in a room. The applicants would be given a handgun and instructed to shoot her spouse execution style.

Going first, the Uconn candidate entered the room, and after a few moments of silence, ran out of the room in tears saying she couldn’t do it. The CIA agent said, “Fine. You’re disqualified”.

The Tenn fan was then given the gun. Immediately upon entering the room, six shots rang out followed by a great commotion, then silence.

After a few moments, the door opened and the Tenn fan appeared, drenched in perspiration, “That gun you gave me was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

 

[Aluminny69]

I told this joke to my two daughters when they were way too young to "get it"

"What is the difference between Snow Men and Snow Women? Snow Balls!!!!"

They didn't understand it, and I didn't explain it to them. I told them they would eventually figure it out. A few years later, I was driving them somewhere, and the older one started laughing spontaneously. She then said through her laughter...."Snow Balls!!!, Good one Dad!"

You reminded me of one:

A Guy walks into a Pharmacy, and asks the Pharmacist: " Do you have cotton balls?"

To which the Pharmacist replies: "Do I look like a teddy bear?"

 

[John Glass]

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm, and left leg in a car accident ?


He was alright.....

or all right

 

[Aluminny69]

A woman is on a beach. she has no arms and no legs. and she's crying

A man walks up to her and says "why are you crying?" she says "I've never been hugged before". he hugs her and leaves

he comes back later and says "why are you still crying?" she says "I've never been kissed before." he kisses her and leaves.

he comes back again and says"why are you still crying?" she says "I've never been screwed before."

he picks her up and throws her into the ocean
"There. now you're screwed."

 

[UConnChapette]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on the wall? Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the pool? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs that lays on the porch? Matt

What do you call the dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he won't come.

and finally...

What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'Furniture

 

[Jim]

Two old Tennessee Vol fans at their cabin in the mountains, sitting in rocking chairs on their front porch. An old hunting dog is laying beside them licking his private parts. The man says to his wife, "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The wife replies, "I dunno. I betcha he'd let you if you ask him."