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Message: [QUOTE="CL82, post: 4411829, member: 44"] [B]The Princess[/B] (2022) You have to admire a movie that makes very little attempt at a plot by just drives right into action. The Princess does just that. A princess is locked in a tower asleep on a bed with rose petals. She awakes and starts killing people. Don’t get me wrong, they’re probably bad people. Probably. We know that because they speak in that bad cockney accent used by the orcs in Lord of the Rings. She has to fight her way out of a tower and down to her family who are sometimes locked up and sometimes not, apparently randomly. She starts off in a John Wick-like killing spree. When I say it’s John Wick like, I mean a lot of people die, but it’s not executed with anywhere near the precision. It’s pretty much in an athletic, slightly chunky girl waving a sword around in slow motion. How can she possibly do it? Well, she has been secretly trained in the martial arts by her randomly Asian lady in waiting. So she’s doomed to find alone against an entire castle, until the Asian lady in waiting joins her for one battle in the kitchen, swearing to fight by her side, but then randomly bailing just before the princess has to go in a giant sewage water slide for reasons that are unclear. Who are her foes? Some random lord who we know is a bad guy because he always wears black and his dominatrix sidekick whose weapon of choice is, you guessed it, a whip. In any event, after the giant sewage water slide, the Lady in waiting rejoins her, because apparently it wasn’t really necessary to go in the giant sewage water slide, she could’ve just taken the stairs or something. They go into a secret armory, loaded with weapons armor and shields and the lady in waiting says let’s get you ready. What did they choose for her? Armor? Chain mail? Shield? A spear? A battle ax? Nope, a single sword and a leather bustier. ([I]CL82 realizes that bustier is basically busty-er said with a French accent and chuckles.[/I]) I guess really anything more was unneeded since on her way down from the tower she received numerous stab wounds and gashes and was able to continue after the Asian lady in waiting (ALiW) rubbed some Vaseline on one of her cuts. I mean she’s got stab wounds deep into her abdomen and ALiW picks like the last worst one and rub some Vaseline on it and she’s good to go? I get why she thinks armor is pointless. You might as well go with the bustier that point. Anyway, she finishes fighting the entire castle while pretty much everyone just stands and watches her. I mean, no one‘s goning jump in and help? Her dad did for a like 20 seconds but was stabbed, and yet, was apparently OK by the end of the movie. He didn’t even get any Vaseline rubbed on it. ALiW was apparently killed as well, until she wasn’t. It was like an entire castle of Wolverines or Deadpools. In the end, she of course defeats the dominatrix and then the bad guy killing him and taking the crown. She then handed it to her dad, the king , who pretty much did nothing but watch while she single-handedly took him a whole castle full of armed orc like, cockney speaking bad guys. Of course, the king is going to hand her the crown, right? Saying how she earned it… nope, he just takes it and puts it on his head. He does make her his heir, but wasn’t she always that to begin with? If you’ve read this far, you must realize that I’m pretty liberally revealing spoilers here. That’s because it is literally impossible to spoil this movie. It is a pretty big bucket of suck. [/QUOTE]

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