OT: Need a laugh? I was cleaning out my inbox...

[JRRRJ]

...and found this in an email from November 2003.

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The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

 

[JRRRJ]

From 2004, Dave Barry gave me a few more belly laughs.

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FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

[JRRRJ]

The 2005 entry:
-----------------------------------------------------------

To: Everyone

Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2005 5:04 PM

Subject: Are you there yet?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage,

I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the

Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm
really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

 

[JRRRJ]

2006 strikes again.

--------------------------------------------------------
The Truth is the Truth:

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and . If you see him without an
superjohn, make him a sandwich..!

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

5. Some people are like Slinkies..., not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..!

9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

 

[EdSaid]

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9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...
[/QUOTE]
Some from the oldest profession might be more qualified to be politicians than some current politicians.

Don't you want some one in an election that you want to vote for?

 

[Zorro]

I just had abdominal surgery to install a mesh over a ventral hernia. If you have ever had this surgery (my third time!) you know that the two things you dare not do are laugh and cough, because doing so results in a feeling like a hot knife being stuck in your belly. This reminded me of an old joke. To wit;
A pharmacist has to leave his shop to run some errands and leaves his new assistant in charge, with instructions to deal with any situation he feels capable of and put any other folks off until his return later that afternoon. When he returns, he asks the assistant if he has had any business. "Well, yes, one guy came in asking for something for his bad cough." "Well, what did you do?" "I gave him some of our elixer X". "Hey, but elixer X is our most powerful laxative!" "Yup. He don't DARE cough".

 

[Bama fan]

2006 strikes again.

--------------------------------------------------------
The Truth is the Truth:

1. Life is sexually transmitted.

2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and . If you see him without an
superjohn, make him a sandwich..!

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

5. Some people are like Slinkies..., not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..!

9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

Thanks for the laughs. I really needed them!

 

[Skeets]

We need more threads like this. The Dave Barry laxative/sleeping pill had me laughing for 5 minutes. The BY hardly ever makes me laugh...

 

[Skeets]

Another Dave Barry: the metric system never caught on in the United States except for the ever popular 9mm handgun.

 

[Steelerone]

A young lady joins the Order Of The Silent Sisters. The Mother Superior tells her, "We don't want you to think we are without feelings. Every five years you may say four words." Five years go by. She has lost ten pounds and some of her hair. She is up every morning at 6am for prayers and then laundry and housekeeping. The Mother superior calls her in and says, "It's been five years. You can say 4 words." The young nun thinks for a few seconds and replies, "The food's is cold." "Oh, well, we'll try to do something about that" the Mother Superior replied. Another five years go by. The young nun is down to 100 pounds. She has no fingernails and her vision is fading. Her knees are skinless from kneeling in prayer. Mother Superior calls her in and tells her she can say 4 more words. "My Mattress is hard.". "Oh, well, we'll try to do something about that." Another 5 years go by. She's down to eighty pounds. Her skin is sagging. She can barely walk even with a cane. When Mother Superior calls her in for her 4 words she leans over the desk and in a barely audible voice says, "I'm going to quit." Mother Superior stands up and says, "I think that's just as well. All you've done since you've been here is complain."

 

[meyers7]

9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

True. They both take your money and are more than willing to #$%@ you.

 

[Bama fan]

True. They both take your money and are more than willing to #$%@ you.

True, but in one case that is just what you are asking for. Not so much in the other.

 

[dogged1]

Thanks, @JRRRJ. That was good for several outloud laughs.