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Knoxville, 31 March (AP) University of Tennessee Athletic Director Phillip Fulmer announced today that the school has decided to re-instate its women’s varsity basketball program, following a six year hiatus in which the team operated as an intramural club. Fulmer also announced that former head coach Holly Warlick would assume emeritus duties in addition to her opening a Harley-Davidson motorcycle dealership. Specifics of Warlick’s new job will be forthcoming, but are thought to include design of an adorable UT bobblehead doll that is voice activated, responding to any human sound by shaking its head while drawling, “I don’t know”. Fulmer stated that a nationwide search for a head coach who bleeds orange would commence immediately. Qualifications include, in Fulmer’s words, “A strong commitment to winning on and off the court in this game of life” and a proven ability to call timeouts.
